jennui.com

February 21, 2010

Sometimes sparkly just looks that way

Filed under: austism, family, my mental health, sad — jennifer @ 10:57 pm

My memory of her will never be the same. Were some days this difficult before? Two months ago? Last year?
Refusing to eat two of the foods on her repertoire, claiming they made her loose tooth hurt or her tummy hurt or mouth burn before a bite was taken? I know she was hungry. Two hours later dinner was 2 crackers, yes I know I know, better than nothing. The mimicking of what I say, cute before, but a symptom now? I feel so weak for wanting to hide in my room, like a child.

I feel badly that I am relieved school is back in tomorrow and then with dread remember the play group. The play group pilot program the school has us in for two more Mondays, she gets anxious before going, she knows we go on Monday nights, we eat pizza, we drive far away. She is unpredictable when we are there. I get anxious and agitated. Tomorrow I have to go alone, Mark is out of town. I have to drive in an unfamiliar part of the city. In the dark. Again I feel weak. This is the teeniest of teeny of beginnings and I am already doubting my ability to persist and fight and wait. Wait. I am thankful I have a strong husband and embarrassed that I am forever the wobbly kneed foal.

I want to eat. Smoke. Drink and get drunk. Pretend. And I know. I really know that the challenges I we have are less than many others. People say its gets better. Everyone really does say that.

Tonight she got in bed with about 10 barbies, her Nintendo DS, I didn’t make her brush her teeth or ask to read her a book. I shut the door and am hiding in my room.

TODAY, we did make these:

sparkly on the outside

p.s. Yes, I did get my passport, no I didn’t go to Mom2.0. More sad. Flight cancellation, coincided with ongoing respiratory infection, more antibiotics, blah blah. I will survive. More.

Comments (7)

February 15, 2010

Time does keep moving on

Filed under: austism, bloggy people, me and my blog, mom2.0, travel — jennifer @ 6:23 pm

The last post encouraged me to keep up with the old OLD blog. I was re-energized by your energy and it reminded me why I write. It feels good. It clarifies my thoughts. I may sometimes tell you things of little consequence, like I am currently composing this while my spaghetti sauce simmers. Not even a fancy sauce. It is a sauce that Charlotte will probably not eat. While I know that, I know she is picky I didn’t realize that it does put a damper on cooking dinner. And, I don’t cook all that much to begin with. My depression and anxiety often make me “sun down” late in the afternoon and I feel tired or apathetic and we have take out, or frozen dinner or sandwiches. Ahh, the things you figure out about yourself just from smelling sauce from downstairs.

So hey, I am going to Mom 2.0. Probably. My passport expired and I paid for expedited service, but they will not guarantee anything. “Probably”, “most likely”, but no guarantee. Need I make a bitter comment about public service employees? I worked at the University for 11 years and probably had to do and say similar things, but still. I HAVE PAID FOR EVERYTHING. Let me tell you, it costs a piss-load to fly from here to Houston. Cheaper to go to London, England, Greece, almost China. I decided to go because all of a sudden it felt like I should. Intuition, Jedi mind wisdom, I have no idea? The speaker list is kick ass, I know many of them, and some of the panels really “spoke” to me. Ha. It will be great to meet new people too, and the conference seems small enough that I don’t feel all anxious sauce. I am of course, worried that no one will like me, my only in my subconscious. I have already been promised hugs and any hand holding I may require. Also, I won’t have to phone anyone or talk to any teachers, clinics, Speech Pathologists, private swim teachers and hopefully the “my kid is Autistic WTF WTF?!” voice in my head will be a bit quieter. I think it is ok.

In thinking about where my blog is going, I have come up with some ideas other than just me me me, or having my blog nothing but Autism. I would like to add some more video and audio, probably in the name of humour. No one wants to see my cry on Vimeo. I have a little idea involving Twitter and a bit that Conan O’Brien used to do, but I will have to refine that idea. Essentially it involves mocking tweets, all in good fun. I also want to talk about fashion, design and style, in the home and on the body. In “real” life I am a clothes horse and love shoes and I want to express that – maybe once in a while? I will talk more about gardening when the season is appropriate, because I love to grow me some stuff! Oh! and photos. I need to learn more with the camera I have, because I enjoy taking photos too! And books!

I will be doing reviews and giveaways as I feel they are appropriate, hoping to Blog with Integrity. I also have a friend who will be helping me with reviews and giveaways which I think will be super fun! You will meet Kelly soon. OH! And I will be working on making the blog aesthetically beautiful. I feel more like being here when it is pretty. I am getting help.

So, god willing and the creek don’t rise (and I get my passport tomomrrow at 10 AM!!!), I will be in Houston on Wednesday at the hotel around 7 or 8 pm? If you want to know my “real” last name, email me and you can call me or I can call you or we can hook up or watch movies alone while ordering room service. I am on twitter at @thejennui (no longer protected) and email is jennifer@jennnui.com

With all sincerity and affection I want to thank you, this community, you lovely lovely people, for continuing to be so kick ass and kind and giving, and nice and smart and amazing.

Me at forty

Comments (7)

February 5, 2010

Here, but not HERE

Filed under: austism, family — jennifer @ 11:46 am

Thank you as always for paragraphs are for pussies to Mrs. Kennedy

A little over two weeks ago, Charlotte, who just turned six, was diagnosed with Autism (DSM-IV 299.00). I thought MAYBE they might say she exhibits some behaviours consistent with Aspergers, but this was more expansive than I thought. Surprising. She has more difficulty with language than a a child with Aspergers, so she got bumped up.

“…qualitative impairment in social interaction, communication and restricted repetitive and stereotyped patters of behaviour, interests, or activities. Charlotte has significant difficulties using nonverbal behaviours, such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, and body posture to regulate social interaction, developing age-appropriate peer relationships, spontaneously seeks to share enjoyment and interests or achievements with others, and she demonstrates a lack or emotional reciprocity. Her difficulties initiating and staining a conversation as well as her preoccupation with certain objects and nonfunctional routines, including pick eating, wanting certain pajamas, and difficulties with transitions (i.e. leaving parents to go into classroom), support this diagnosis.”

In October there was a dust up in my world of online friends and community. My friends were hurt and I didn’t respond well, pissing off and hurting more people. Did not feel like blogging.
Sewage, read POO in the basement. Twice. I cleaned it and now have post traumatic stress disorder.
More plumbing woes in the form of not enough hot water. I need the hot water. Where I live is COLD.
New meds! Weeee. Wooooah.
The stress of a long time knee injury which occurred at 13 years of age has left me with osteoarthritis and an inability to do any weight bearing exercise with my left knee. My choices are swimming, aquasize, aquafit, aquajob, aquadance, aquayoga, aqua-pretend-treadmill?
s-l-o-w-l-y sliding into the back a stupid Lexus SUVon an icy road, smushing my Camry grill for the low cost of $1300
December was a clusterf*ck of getting ready for Christmas before the 18th, when we went to visit my inlaws (which was ok, they are conservative politically and religiously, so um, there is that). Everything that could be was wrapped and baked, including me.
We got back late on the 23rd, my BioMom™ was here. Christmas eve at my mom’s, Christmas day here, save be Jesus.
My 40th Birthday, December 31st.
We left for a poker tournament on January 3rd in the Bahamas. I am not complaining, but it was a hella’ travel time from the west and it was cold and it was sort of spoiled by a spoiled and anxious me.
All this time, these months, Charlotte had been in the process of being assessed by the school – Speech Pathologist, Occupational Therapist, Educational Psychologist and her teacher, OH! and us, we filled out lots of forms and questionnaires and talking and observing.

I think that is all I can muster right now. I have a respiratory infection and am bagged. I will bring my laptop to bed, instead of using SO MUCH energy typing at my desktop. Yes, I am way feeling sorry for myself. Sorry.

Happy 6th Birthday

brand new

Comments (47)

September 26, 2009

Thing I did in NYC while alive

Filed under: bloggy people, travel — jennifer @ 12:06 pm

Fly in the same day as Predident Obama addressed the UN General Assembly. Enjoy traffic and some fabulous international peeps. Including 3 women in green in the elevator who were here protesting. I gave them a verbal fist bumb.
Get totally blocked trying to cross Park Avenue after enjoying Bloomingdales and seeing the motorcade. Motorcade EXTRAVAGANZA. Amazing number of cars, secret service, helicopters, FDNY, NYPD, and hobos.
Watching the fabulously dressed NY women in freakin’ high heels walking like they were wearing Nikes. Notable exceptions: http://twitpic.com/j2kfz courtesy of @mublogger. Harem pants are a fashion trend scourge.
Seeing Al Roker!
Spending more than 5 minutes with @mom101 and @mublogger for the first time!
Hanging with @lauriewrites and @parentopiaDevra
Briefly being in the awesome presence of @joyunexpected and @isabelkallman
Getting someone drunk last night with @letterB and @lauriewhite and celebrating the newly christened Heavy Metal Friday night.
Dubbing our teeny ad-hoc group #typebmom and feeling all silly
seeing! but not eating at Magnolia bakery
other good meals that I had at places where I mostly followed Devra or Alana. Tolerating American “beer”
Ok, going to the Oyster Bar in Grand Central and the hot Maître d’, who was from Toronto and totally digging me. At least in my head. Having my first raw oyster. Meh.
The Big Ass Disney store which was both appalling and amazing at the same time. Buying something for Charlotte but feeling mildy dirty.
Tiffanys with Kristen
Going to see Expressing Motherhood where @mom101 and @mublogger performed and being BLOWN THE FUCK AWAY.
One new blister formed, two healed, on my heal. HA!
Feeling guilty because my kid is finding kindergarten hard and the husband is working realy hard and this really wasn’t the best time to go, but he wanted me TO HAVE FUN and forget about it all. Love him. I may need to give him sex.
always spending too much money
I am still in the lobby. Wondering how far Magnolia bakery is….ok close, but I did hurl up my brekkie. Also blister, also stop spending. I will see more cool shops.
I still have an hour and a half until I need a cab. Perhaps I will leave you with a renewed love for you all after a crappy previous week with a sick child, some high anxiety and general crap that I brought upon myself.
a few pictures coming, but @lauriewrites took some amazing ones I will probably link too

JenB

Comments (3)

September 18, 2009

Blog Laxative

Filed under: family — Tags: family — jennifer @ 1:07 am

Sometimes when I go a long time without posting that I have so much to say I don’t know where to start. So I don’t. Then I don’t so more. Then I think of one thing but feel like I need to give the post its proper respect and I am not sure I can do it because the event happened weeks ago.

Example. My brother was laid off of his job of 22 years. It happened on a Thursday a few weeks ago. They escorted him home, took his blackberry, company truck, laptop and said that he could come back later and collect any personal effects in his office. Twenty two years. It was his first job out of school. He had never had a bad review and the firing came as a huge surprise. My mom called me on the Saturday to tell me, wondering if my brother had called me. He hadn’t. We are not close and I don’t think I am at the top of the list of people to break bad news to unless it is family related. My mom is our conduit.

When my mom told me about Mike’s job loss, she told me he cried when he told her. He was upset and hurt and confused, he loved his job. Knowing that my brother cried made me sob after I got off of the phone with my mother. I grabbed a cotton sock near by bed, for no kleenex in sight (and I was still in bed, slacking on a Saturday morning). I grabbed a lime green cotton sock that I had worn to bed because my feet are always cold, regardless of temperature. I cried until that sock was wet. I shook and cried and imagined my brother crying. I had seen it only on one other occasion. He was working at a part-time job tand was a consistently top salesman. They offered him a decent severance bu reneged on giving him thousands dollars in commissions. He spoke with a lawyer that told him it was too expensive to fight for something that might not have a positive outcome. He took the severance on the following Wednesday, they did not even give him a week to look it over.

I think Mike will be fine, he will get an excellent reference and has made many good contacts in his years in sales. I am not worried, we live in a province that has a low unemployment rate, is oil rich and he is in the right industry. We aren’t close, we have very little in common with, I love his two kids, my nieces, but he cried.

My damp sock and sad can not do anything for him, and I guess it is ok. I said I am sorry and I don’t think he would want anything from me. But my brother, he cried, and it hurt.

Comments (12)

August 21, 2009

Seven Years in Tibet

Filed under: me and my blog — jennifer @ 12:08 am

Ok, seven years of having a blog. This baby blog, jennui.com, is new, but THAT OTHER ON, lets call is menandcolonic, lived almost seven years. My first post was August 22st, 2002. Holy Shit. I started the blog while I was working in an office job and was better able to post regularly. My time was structured. I didn’t have the ability to slack and procrastinate and put off posting like I do now. I miss that regularity, I miss the community at the time. Yea, I am going to be all old skool and miss those times. I like what is happening now, the growth, the opportunities, the more and more amazing people. I did consider calling it quits after a family member found old kenandflonic, but I was inspired by all of you to continue. I think it was Will, from Be the Boy, who said the only thing worse than blogging, is not blogging. Blogging has changes, Facebook, and Twitter have been the most significant in terms of taking people away from Classic Blogging®. I think I needed a reality check and you guys were great and I had fantastic comments on this post where I was discerning my online path. I encourage you all to read the comments, if you blog or read blogs or generally exist. Some smart people saying excellent things. I will keep blogging, the way I want, for me and not for others. I will be doing product reviews when appropriate, I will also be adding a style section, because people, I love my things, and it is part of my life.

Ultimately, I think that what has renewed my passion for the blog is diversity. I am not just depressed, fat, sad, lazy, or live a life of slack. Those things are true of me, but not all the time. I want to talk about cooking, gardening, clothes, mental health, television, donuts, whatever is on my mind. I think I had pigeon holed myself into a depression blog and that isn’t all I am. Some of you suggested that if having a blog no longer made me happy, I should stop. I thought about that. Other commenters talked about me getting out of the house more, or getting a job out of the house. Also good advice and more thought. I have insulated myself since not working in an office environment, created more social anxiety. I am working hard at getting the hell out of the house to see friends who live near me, friends who I can have a coffee with. I HAVE FRIENDS in my city that I neglect, but whom I love. I am working on this. I did hang out with my friend Kelly twice in the last couple of weeks while she made jam and got to hold her 3 month old lovely baby.

The job thing is harder. I considered working at an Apple store, or perhaps another retail environment. Alas, the knee injury, bursitis, and arthritis prevents me from standing on a hard service for any length of time. I cannot get a full-time office job, neither my psychiatrist or medical physician would approve a 40 hour week because of the crazy and physical challenges of being old and gibbled. I have looked or some part-time office gigs, but it is slim pickins’. Most of the jobs are temp relief in medical offices or part-time assistants, secretarial work. While I am not putting these jobs down in any why, it is difficult for me to do that type of work after being in a professional position for 11 plus years. When I left my previous job, I tried to let me job share with my replacement. They would not, so I quit. I am in a fortunate (really really really lucky, I know) position to not HAVE to work, so I will keep looking for work, paid or not. I haven’t spent a lot of time looking yet. If I was smarter or keener or more disciplined or magic, perhaps I could blog my way into more of a part-time job. Paid or not. Still thinking.

I am trying to work with some people to make jennui look nice, I have some ideas in my pocket. The dusty one in my brain I haven’t used much. I have lots in my head and I want to put it here. I enjoyed it before and I think I can adapt to the New Way of blogging and love it again. I also want to address more of the comments from that post. You guys changed my life and I have to tell you I printed out all of the comments so I can read them on PAPER. Thank you my people. You are awesome.

Advice always welcome my friends.

Comments (24)

August 3, 2009

TWITTER ME @thejennui

Filed under: site business — jennifer @ 7:33 pm

gah. I am at @thejennui - some bitch took jennui before me

updates are protected, but I am an easy follow. *wink wink*

updated Feb 2010 – no longer protected, who really gives a crap?

Comments (9)

If a blog falls in the forest does anyone hear it?

Filed under: blogher 09 — Tags: blogher 09 — jennifer @ 3:36 pm

Ok, I am going to give you my BlogHer recap. You have read many, most are likely better than this. First thing first. I have attended every BlogHer, from the first one in 2005 until this one. The first one was an awesome losing your virginity conference. Where it didn’t hurt and you could still talk to the person afterward. You didn’t date but remained friends. Some of those friends have changed but many new friends have been made.

The hugosity of BlogHer makes it impossible to see and hug and talk to everyone you want to and I accepted that this year. Sadly, I knew I wouldn’t see everyone I wanted to, let alone have a conversation of any kind with some fabulous women and hey more dudes than ever!

For me, 2009 was the best conference ever for me. I attended some awesome panels, the keynote was kickass, just like last year and I spent some quality time with some good people. I also saw Amy Turn Sharp’s bare ass. I am going to link to the people I spent time with or people who were awesome and likely I will miss some, but I like because you should know who is great and read them or follow them if you do not already. I also think that the link love is a homage to those who I was able to connect with – briefly or more than that.

I had lunch with Amy and Jess and dragged them shopping almost as soon as I arrived. We had a nice lunch and I bought a new purse! I was able to see Jess more during the weekend and she had the most fabulous outfits and we again connected at a heart level. We are simliar in the important ways. I did not change my reservation from single person to double person to Schmutzie and the Palinode were shipped off to Jess’ room so we didn’t HAVE to have a threeway in the king size bed. Jess has two Queens. Size beds I mean.

I was lucky enough to have Alana from Letter B directly above me to knock three times on the floor if she wanted me. AND, I met her sister, who I am smitten with. Kara, I love you lady.

The first night I was there I needed to eat food, at a table, with forks and knives and I forced myself upon the lovely ladies of kirsty and had the most amazing time. They endured my crazy and it was just so lovely! IT was Gwen Bell’s birthday and I do not have a photo, but she made her freakin’ birthday cake herself. So yummy, so yummy. I promised Gabby from Design Mom not to create a Design Mum website and put up crappy stuff instead of the beautiful, which she dilgently posts for us. Laura Mayes let me touch her ruffles and hey, did you know there is a kirsty book coming? I am also smitted with Laurie Smithwick, almost so that I would like to move to Charlotte and set up a new life there. This sushi fest (and raspberry mojitos) set the tone for the rest of the weekend and I thank these ladies from the bottom of my heart. Thank you again.

Favourite panel was Room of Your Own: Dying is Easy, ROTFLMAO Comedy is Hard. Funny, inspiring and ass numbing in that I had to sit on the floor to crowd in a packed PACKED room. Fantastic women. The Community Keynote is still worth the admission to BlogHer, and if you missed THAT and didn’t have any good take away from the conference than you are cold and dead inside. Brain child of Eden from fussy.org, this is a diamond of the conference. Even though I missed Eden and will forgive her eventually. Alana also did an awesome panel on microblogging, which was great and if you aren’t already following @momku on twitter then DO IT NOW!

I got hugs, but not enough time with Kelly, Polly, The CheezBugHer ladies, Genie Alisa , Grace Davis, amalah, Karen, KarenSugarpants, jen of PooBou.com , Jenny and Jen oh god, ok I cannot continue, but oh so many awesome ladies. And Again, DUDES! Oh and my love Helen Jane, who wasn’t feeling well. I missed you so much.
The Shutter Sister’s Suite was sweet and filled with lovely ladies. It was like being in cool water after a hot day. I was lucky to fly to Chicago and back with the Redneck Mommy! The Sparkle Corn party, is best seen in photos and it was the best BlogHer party I have been too. Kudos to Tracey and Catherine and all those behing that extravaganza of awesome. I also went to the Room704 party where I was able to commune with those awesome ladies, the Flinger, Dawn, Vdog and Sarcastic mom and I had a gut duel where I clearly won. OH, and I got to have some awesome wine and giggling with Laurie, Sarah (who’s boobs looked amazing) and Devra. AND I got some great hugs and smoochies from the LOVELY Sarah Dopp. I was able to let the Wombat bounce on my knees as well as get a good hold on Simon and Leah for more than a few minutes.

I had two bried but fantastic mini conversations with both Jen Lemen and Andrea who wrote this post that I wanted to thank her for.

The swag angst? I got some nice things, other things I did not take, and I called down to the front desk and they said I could leave a note for housekeeping to take anything I couldn’t fit in my suitcase along with my tip, but I had to leave a note or it would go to LOST AND FOUND. Mental note for next year.

The PR, marketing penetration and sponsorship discussion – very well done by Liz of Mom-101. I cannot and will not try and say it better. There have been other posts on the same topic, but Liz links a lot of them and you will probably come across them in other people’s BlogHer posts. Aslo read Elisa Camhort of Blogher’s post on the aftermath of the conference. Great people, those BlogHer organizers.

I fondles SueBob’s red stapler. Again

I met Carson Kressley

I also got it on with

I have very few other photos that I will upload later.

Bottom line: best ever BlogHer Con.

MORE PHOTOS:

Comments (21)

July 22, 2009

oh here i am

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennifer @ 11:44 pm

I do not recommend starting a new blog just before a big ass conference. Needless to say I have decided to continue on my bloggin’ journey. I will be leaving for BlogHer at the ass crack of dawn, a few short hours from now. If I can ask you guys anything, please try not to directly say (my old site name) is NOW jennui.com. If you can spread the news, I would appreciate it, perhaps you could say some blogger name Jen who had a blog similar to gin and tonic is now at jennui.com. I have no idea really. My goal is to keep google from making the (my old site name) = jennui.com direct connection. Keep my anonymity from family it my primary agenda. I know boring post. But I wanted to let you know I am here! I miss you, join me! I WILL WRITE! I love you. Also, I am also on twitter with protected updates at jennui1 (jennui with a number 1 on the end). I also have a flickr account with no photos on it yet. /jennui. More soon! LOVE YOU ALL!

I wrote this, not my husband. We are trying to figure out Word Press, but have had very few days to figure this shit out.

Comments (17)

June 28, 2009

You have a bird in the hand leading a horse to water

Filed under: Uncategorized — jennifer @ 7:23 pm

ME: I watched (some movie) on AMC yesterday and some of us were talking about it on twitter
HIM: Americans get AMC?
ME: AMC IS an American channel, we all get it! It unifies us as one!
HIM: What were you watching?
ME: I dunno, one of the Batmans, or something, they show everything from soup to nuts on there, all sorts of movie classics.
HIM: (DUMBFOUNDED) Soup to nuts! Did you make that saying up? Where did you hear that?
ME: It is a saying, a cliche! I did not make it up, EVERYONE KNOWS IT! (getting phone)
HIM: Who are you calling?
ME: Michelle, she will confirm it is a real saying and you will believe her (calling Michelle telling her about Mark’ s doubt). I say to Michelle, “this is what happens to a kid who only gets to watch Masterpiece Theatre on Sunday nights instead of Disney. What are you guys doing?”
MICHELLE: Watching Masterpiece Theatre.
-fin -

(more…)

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