September 18, 2011

Remember when I used to post about award shows

Filed under: TV — jennifer @ 11:03 pm

Sofia Vargera – Hot (with 16 t’s)

Kate Winslet – she is on my list.

Love Gwyenth’s dress

LL Cool J – Bow Tie Bad, Hat is Bad …

Laurence Fishburne – Don’t Care

Kind of isle of lesbos hair cut on Tina Fey.

Spock as President of Television.  “Use the auto tune … I’m lip syncing”.

Holy Hair Plugs Jeremy Piven

Mad Men clip in intro was awesome.  Look lady, turn around and we’re going to pretend like we’ve never met.

“Thinking is a pain in the ass” – agreed, more TV, less books.

Betty White “She’s the reason we start at 5 pm”. HA!

Emmytones – need to be dumped in Hot Lava.  Sorry.

Supporting Actress in Comedy – Julie Bowen, Modern Family – nice “boobage”, looks like boobage of a 12-year old boy crammed together with tape.  (I love it when they’re genuinely shocked)

Julianna Marguiles – bubbles on the dress … WTF?

Ty Burrell – Supporting Actor in Comedy – “Everyone loves Phil.”  – Great speech.

Ricky Gervais – “I’m not allowed on American soil during award ceremonies”

Ricky Gervais didn’t get enough hugs from his Mommy, and now it’s Hollywood’s fault.  Modern Family – wins for directing.  That Hallowe’en episode was excellent.

Zooey Deschanel – She can totes be my friend in real life.

Outstanding Writing in Comedy -  Steven Levitan’s Wife’s look was awesome.

Two and a Half Men lives on after Charlie Sheen wins (advert on tv).  Friggin 8th sign of the apocalypse.  I can’t believe that turd is worth polishing.

Charlie Sheen – Standing O from Jimmy … your apology/good wishes were nice, but you’re still a douche bag. Punch in the neck. HARD.

Sofia Vergara – Look at her, jesus, god …

Awesome moment for Outstanding Lead Actress, Comedy, where they all came up on stage …  Melissa McCarthy’s speech was great.

I’m glad we didn’t fast forward the song this year, like we usually do … but that was totally fucked up.

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series – Daily Show wins (9th straight award) — Scott and Anna were *not* nice presenting that.  Boo.

Writing – Friday Night Lights – Is that still on the air?  Why does everyone love this show?
Supporting Actress in Drama – Christina Hendricks, she’s on my list too … -

Director – Martin Scoreses – blah blah blah – fast forward.

Supporting Actor – I start chanting “Dink Dink Dink Dink Dink”  — Peter Dinklage wins. He was awesome.

Filing nails with a cheese grater …

Hugh Laurie should win everything.  Somebody fucking explain FNL to me, I don’t get it.

EMMYTONES DIE DIE DIE.

LL COOL J.  NO THANK YOU

“A lot of people are curious why I’m a lesbian.  Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage.”

Downton Abbey “Apparently, I have to see Downton Abbey, and I’ll make my inlays happy because it’s British, because if it is not British, it’s crap.”

Apparently Alec Baldwin was supposed to be The President of TV in the big opening montage, but he turned it down when they cut a line about the FOX phone hacking scandal,  Baldwin tweeted about it and Mark read it on Deadline Hollywood, so I have all my sources straight.

Chuck Lorre apparently did try and get Charlie Sheen (douchebag, not winning), removed from the telecast.  Again Mark read this on Deadline Hollywood, a gossip columnist I am not.

I love award shoes.  shows, I mean I love shoes, but I like the shows.

 

June 21, 2011

Snippets of Depression and Anxiety – the last many years

Filed under: anxiety,daily,depression,medication,my mental health,sad,therapy — jennifer @ 11:26 am

It is no secret that I suffer from depression and anxiety and have for a long time.  I was inspired to write more about it while on the plane to Vegas in May.  This is what my life has looked like for more or less the last 7 years.  Things are so much better now with my new medication, but I still have days, moments, which resemble this jumble of thoughts and descriptions. These are the day to day feelings, not the energy I am able to conjure to go to conferences once in a while and be social and fake extroversion and dress like an adult and shower like a normal person, put on a little lipstick.

I Wake up
Get Charlotte ready for school.
Get up and out of the house, or do something?

Or go back to bed?  Stay in bed
Shower? Probably not.  Occasionally, I rarely leave the house, so it seems inconsequential.
Eat? I have to, I am diabetic.  I eat the minimum.  Or I eat crap. Or I eat too much? Sometimes I throw up.

I left the house! I bought groceries. But I’m spent. Take out for dinner.
Workout? Yes. Drag ass put of bed. Put on tight pants. Will feel so much better afterwards. Then make dinner?!

Or no. Shaking. Rocking back and forth. Tachycardia. Toilet. Sweating. Freezing. Scared. Paralyzed. Call and cancel. Paying $60/hr for a long panic attack. What I will owe my trainer for missing an appointment.
Play with Charlotte. Want to kill tv show. Want to kill all pokemon. Seriously. Horrible. Agitated. Impatient. Better to hide.

Or snuggle and play and draw and make paper dolls.

Sex?  I am Fat. No. Haven’t shaved legs. Nay showered since?  Want to sort of. Should. Love. Intimacy. Closeness.

Coffee with a friend. Leave the house?  Involves changing out of pajamas and shower. Only home is ok. Safe. Sloth.

Blog. About what? Despair?  Repetitive.

Sleep?  It’s nighttime now. Daytime nap killed me. Despair. Mind goes dark. Or watch tv for hours. Eat. Spend. Shop online.

Ignore diabetes. Eat poorly. Too much. Wrong things. Don’t check blood sugars. Don’t get blood work done. Put off doctor appointment. Again.

Test sugars faithfully! eat my protein! work out! low carbs!

How fast would I have to go to kill myself driving into that concrete meridian?  the airbag would probably save me.  I could never use a gun.  I do have lots of pills and tequila.

Obsess about weight loss or gain.

The only thing that I always do is have clean laundry around for my family.

Negative self talk about lack of ability to drag self out of depression, DO things, see people, cook, clean, make love to my husband, cherish my daughter.  Feelings of failure.  Crying jags.

Sometimes I shower and get dressed and put on some lip gloss just so my psychiatrist sees that I am not a total cockup all the time.

* * * *

Since my new medication a few months ago, I feel better than I have in seven years.  I feel like the day to day is easier.  I am cooking dinner more, occasionally posting to the web log.  Getting out of the house.  Better.  Getting better.  I have had to re-evaluate what I want my life to look like.  I never imagined being here. Not working, coming out of a serious, severe, medication resistant depressive state with constant anxiety.  Now that I do not feel awful so much of the time I can do other things, but what?  That is the process I am in right now.  It is slow.  I am getting help from a psychologist, Mark, other friends, both online and in my “regular” life.  I want to sew,  I want to write, I want to cook, I want to paint, I want to take care of myself and my family.  Step by step.  Occasionally I trip.  It is still scary and new.  I am like a 41 year old baby.  What should I do?  The fact I can even ask myself and others is a reason for joy.

Maui, April 2011

 

June 1, 2011

Love in the time of dial up

Filed under: stories — jennifer @ 3:46 pm

Before there was Twitter and Tumblr and Flickr and Facebook, before the web could even been used in a graphical user interface, there was irc, Internet Relay Chat. Now it depends on how low you have been using the web and how old you are, you may have even used irc, a UNIX based chat client. It was all forward slashes and dir and rm and texty goodness. It was on this nerd saturated platform that I met my first love, John. We spoke for almost two years before we met in 1995. I will let that sink in. We were both channel operators on The Undernet on a channel called #chatzone.  It sounds nerdy, but I was in it for the social media-ness of it all before there was social media.  I was working at the university, making web pages in hand coded html, using tables and columns, advising young computing science students,  ahhhh those were the days. (I married one of the young Grad students eventually)
You see I had a teeny tiny pick-up-and-through Mac SE I bought in 1987 and used for my internet shell account provided by the university and a 14.4 baud modem ( I did eventually get a better MAC). I had graduated with my BA in Communications in 1992 and fiddled around with service jobs and a couple of contract research jobs and then I started at the University in 1995. We didn’t have a romantic relationship at first. I was having a very torrid chat affair with a man from Kentucky who turned out to be married. Who turned out to hold a gun to his head now and again and who was arrested just before he was about to visit me. I found out from his wife who he was more or less keeping hostage. She was afraid for my safety for he finally had a plane ticket to come and visit me. Short version of THAT!  After talking to John for about 2 years, we finally met. He came to visit me in the great white north from Alabama. Literally a world away.

Anyhow John. Funny as hell, smart, charming, and “back in the day” I didn’t even know what he looked like until we had been chatting for almost two years. We exchanged photos the old fashioned way, we used a film camera, had the photos developed and MAILED THEM to each other. We used stamps and shit. We chatted on irc, email, on the phone.  At one point I sold my bike to pay for my phone bill. Long distance also used to be way expensive, especially internationally. Oh ho ho ho, how you kids must be laughing at us.  Anyone who has had friends made online knows that it can be a very intimate experience and you can get to know someone quite well despite the lack of physical presence.

Finally John was able to visit. Neither of us were particularly financially flush, but he came here for 10 days and it was one of the most wonderful times of my life.  For you see, by 1995, I had never been in love.  I was 25 years old, but never loved a boy. We met in person, we hugged! We got along! We played Trivial Pursuit (I could rarely find a suitable adversary), he won most, but not every game.  We drove to the rocky mountains, we saw bears, we hiked, he mocked me for not being able to canoe, we had sex.  I had never had sex with someone sober.  I was always drunk.  I don’t mean to make it sound like I had a huge double digit list of lovers, there weren’t that many, but all were one night stands previous to this experience and I was super nervous.  He liked me and HE wasn’t drunk. I liked him and I WASN’T drunk.  We had a great time, never at a loss for things to talk about, joke about, we watched The British Open (it was on tv?), we had a loving time.  John was a tall guy and once put me over his shoulder and it was the coolest thing, I felt like a cave woman. My car broke down somewhere between the rocky mountains and the city.  My dad had to come and get us.  It was embarrassing, but my dad was cool and didn’t ask too many questions. We made it back to my apartment and finished out our visit.

Eventually, it was time for John to go and although the romance and story of the first love of my life doesn’t end here, it ended there.  We loved each other, but he lived THERE and I lived HERE and I guess the universe (and our our decisions), made it impossible for it to be THE only and final love of my life.  It was difficult, I was lonely, I thought I would be alone the rest of my life, yes I was 25, but I didn’t think anyone would ever get to know me the way John did, see me the way he did, love me.  But the relationship, for it was one, was one of the most important of my life.  It proved I could love and be loved.  Just as I was.


Not the best photographs, but I believe we were using disposable cameras.  Yes, John is a hockey fan, no, not my team.

 

Updated about Kentucky guy with gun:

There really wasn’t much more to it other than me being stupid and desperate and him (the Kentucky gun lover) saying all the right things and me totally ignoring the warning signs. Other people knew about him and he was apparently manipulating other girls/woman and one did tell me to “step off” (it was the 90s). It was hard to get information about his criminal activity during or after our “affair” due to him being so far away and I didn’t know who to trust. We did talk on the phone a lot and email for quite a while before he was arrested. It was very painful and I felt very stupid to realize I had been conned/duped. It was one of those things that brought John and I closer, he understood how you could get so seemingly intimate with someone on irc, though email, on the phone and have them turn out to be a completely different person.  In my case, he turned out to be a psychopath with a history of such behaviour.

Also, I have recently been in touch with John, which is pretty much what prompted this post.

May 14, 2011

What happens in Vegas comes back home with you

Filed under: austism,the child,travel — jennifer @ 1:29 pm

At least what happens to ME in Vegas comes home with me, in this case, it is two pairs of shoes from Zappos and a couple of things from Bloomingdales because they don’t ship to Canada.  We leave tomorrow.  Mark and I have been trying to declutter, donating things to The Goodwill, boxes of books, bags of clothing.  We do it all so my mom doesn’t go apoplectic from the disarray of our home while she is staying at our house babysitting Charlotte. My Mom would be happy being a monk living with a chair and a bed and no belongings. She does not understand why we have so much stuff. Particularly why I have so many shoes? Who questions shoes? Mark collects stamps, they are just smaller and harder to notice.

It is cooling off in Vegas, so our poolside dreams may be dashed. I guess we will just sit in a lounge chair in our long pants with my nose buried in my Kindle. Ok, we may play some slots and I may already have booked a coconut facial (I will let you know).

Charlotte’s school did a version of A Midsummer Nights Dream, we went to go see it last night. It was produced by a theatre group in the city, they take one school, and in one week they have a performance. Many kids play the same character and they say their lines (supposedly) in unison. It was adorable and funny and occasionally hard to hear, but you cannot go wrong with Shakespeare and a little Lady Ga Ga music thrown in. I was skeptical of Charlotte’s participation in the production. I didn’t think she would be comfortable on a stage WITH other people, saying WORDS in FRONT of other people, but turns out my wee shy, socially awkward, language delayed child is a budding thespian. She knew every single line (that wasn’t a surprise because she is a visual learner), but she danced, she twirls and she put spells on other characters with a flourish that was over the top awesome for Puck. I almost cried. Mark and I were flabbergasted. She was so comfortable, so free. She would tell us nothing of her lines or what she was doing in the play ahead of time, so it was a huge surprise and a welcome one. When certain successes come so slowly, seeing her so radiant on stage was nothing short of remarkable. My pictures are crap, more proof I need to take a course in photography, read a book, or kidnap an expert to help me out.

Thanks Charlotte.

 

 

May 6, 2011

tomorrow comes regardless

Filed under: daily,medication,my mental health,travel — jennifer @ 12:49 am

Tomorrow I have my third swimming lesson. I don’t really know how to swim properly and I need a non weight bearing exercise to keep the fat from coming all the way back, so swimming it is. I enjoy it a great deal except for all the leg shaving. I am of hairy eastern European descent and it is an inconvenience to shave my legs so often, not to mention chaff inducing. Charlotte is still taking swim lessons and I figured one of us better be able to keep for when she is eventually in Michael Phelps’ league.

I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow. We will talk about how the new drug cocktail – Pristiq and a little Abilify are working quite well and costs an assload. In Canada. I cannot imagine what I may pay in the US. Since Mark isn’t working right now we have private supplemental health insurance and it isn’t as cushy as workplace supplementary insurance.

Our sub par insurance is also paying for a wee bit of my new psychologist. A talk therapist. My psychiatrist is the best ever, but as I feel better I need someone in more of a coach and guidance role. More than listening. I have found someone I really like. Sorry to get all Oprah on your ass, but we are looking at how to I can live more of my live. Less staying home, less sleeping, less avoiding the world, more regular bathing. I am to write these things down, but I am first percolating. Asha from Parenthacks talked about how you want your life to look like. I am taking a lot of her thoughts and planning and going with that.

I am thinking about how I want to spend my time now that I am not sleeping or lying in my bed of despair or ennui all day.  Right now I am scratching the surface.  I have not being able to write down a goal past “feel like like shit”, for more than 2 years.  I want to cook more, learn to swim, eat better, sew, use my new BeDazzler (for real).  Of course gardening season is finally approaching here in the bald ass prairie tundra, so that will keep me busy for a while.

First, Mark and I are going to Vegas May 15-18 for some lovely couple time.  Actually that isn’t happening first.  Right now I am trying to de-clutter my home so my mom doesn’t go all Peter Walsh on my ass while we are away.  Clutter or perceived clutter, by my mother, makes her mental and we have come home to some tidiness that is not necessarily welcome, if that makes sense.  I don’t live beyond my means, I live beyond my space.  How does a person know when they are a compulsive shopper? compulsive buyer? compulsive acquirer?

Also, I bought a Costco membership finally.  Wow, that was a kicker at the end of a post where I almost admit to being a hoarder. I swear I am not sleeping a top a pile of cat feces.

April 28, 2011

plans

Filed under: me and my blog,site business — jennifer @ 4:59 pm

Now that I plan to be writing more and actually posting said writing, I have a question.  Do I put BlogHer ads back on my site?  My traffic is slow and small right now due to the domain name change and the lack of the blogging and whatever, so I won’t make a pile of cash.  It would be nice to make enough to pay for my hosting fees and the occasional pair of earrings from etsy.  Do people care anymore about ads on blogs?  Thoughts?  I need to know by tomorrow.  NO PRESSURE!

Jen

April 17, 2011

Big AND Easy

Filed under: conferences,Mom2.0.2011 — jennifer @ 12:33 pm

Yeah, so I went to Mom2.0 I’m New Orleans and I have other things going on I want to write about, but I’m in the Louis Armstrong airport in New Orleans and the woman next to me is THE LOUDEST talker ever. I also don’t have a good keyboard for a decent post.

We went to Maui for spring break. It was fab-awe-tastic.

Mom2.0 was awesome.

Charlotte is seeing many therapists and I feel positive about it.

Mark is still enjoying not having a real job.

LOUD lady just called NOLA a dump. Nice.

I am inspired by some happenings and people. I particularly want to give a shout out to Asha from parenthacks. I will write more about why and how later.

I miss my blog. I miss y’all.

February 14, 2011

Altered States

I have had one glass of wine so I am feeling chatty and thought I would, should, could update.

Change of plans.  I went back on the Pristiq after that AWFUL withdrawal and we are adding Abilify.  You may have seen the adverts for Abilify and laughed, for they propose to add Ability when you are ALREADY ON ONE ANTIDEPRESSANT AND IT ISN’T WORKING!  I have seen people on twitter make fun of such a thought. One is not enough?!!  Pharma-insanity.  No, just insanity.  I was very hesitant to go on the Parnate with the diet and other drug restrictions on this whole Other Antidepressant Plus Abilify is New and Hot, so I read, I googled, and it will take be another 3 weeks or so to up to a therapeutic dose, before I am Abilified, as it were.  I have been on and off, mostly on psychiatric medication since I was 19, I have tried a lot of different classes and kinds of drugs.  My options are limited.  I read some good, albeit mostly anecdotal information on the combo, but I am trying it first, well, trying it like 13th, but before the MAOI class of drugs, which Parnate was.  Wow, wasn’t that druggy and boring?  I don’t feel great.  The withdrawal is gone, but I am not on therapeutic levels of anything yet, so I am still an annoying, sad, scared, anxious, bitch.

So much is going on with Charlotte at the same time, I am just trying to keep my head above water.  My ass out of bed, shower once in a while, occasionally put on something that isn’t pajama adjacent.

The government is supporting us in a program of “Specialized Services”, this means, help from an Occupational Therapist (OT), a Speech and Language Pathologist (SLP), a Psychologist and four hours of respite a week.  The number of hours will be about 3-5 hours a week of therapy for Charlotte. Therapy for Charlotte AND us, since this lovely group of people will be with us for a year and then support will be removed or reduced.

Charlotte’s diagnoses from the School at the Rehabilitation Hospital is at follows:

  • Language-based Learning Disorder (LLD)
  • Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) – Inattentive Type
  • Mild gross motor delay
  • Moderate receptive and expressive language disorder
  • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
  • Features of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) without meeting full diagnostic criteria

Quite the mouthfuls.  She has Autism, she is on the Spectrum.  She also has Sensory Processing Disorder, which was not diagnosed by the school.  They are wrong about the Autism.  I know they are, the team admits the diagnosis is fluid and “others”, cut the spectrum off differently. This is wrong. A year of other assessment and treatment and research and unofficial diagnosis of WRONG. It means she gets .2 of an Aide in her classroom back in regular school, not .8 if she was ASD. It is inaccurate. She was diagnosed in a bubble, in a classroom of 7 other children with about 8 other adults around at all times. We are continuing to see the consulting Psychiatrist, and I am hopeful with the support and reporting by her Specialized Services Team, her teacher, her Aide, and her parents, and um US, we can review this diagnosis. I know I am “just a parent”, but I have read my ass off, been to conferences, talked to other people who have treated her outside of the Hospital school and she may be high functioning and all of those other things they listed, but she is Autistic and I want her treated accurately and properly. I thought the fight for support and accuracy and proper diagnosis would be over after the 5 months at the hospital school, but it is not.  I have to pretend to have some balls and fight for what I know is the best and most correct treatment for my kid.  Yes, she is adorable and precious and likes adults and will occasionally look you in the eye, but that does not negate what is really going on.  She is starting week four at her regular community school.  We drop her off early and pick her up early to avoid the chaos and noise she has to process when all the other kids are arriving and leaving.  She is often non-verbal, refuses to participate or has to be cajoled and supported by the teacher or the aide, when she is around.  Is has been hard on all of us.  Not to mention her mother is crazy and not fully medication.  Thankfully Mark is awesome and the best dad and husband ever or I cannot imagine where we would be. He has bought the development kit to create apps for iPads and iPhones, and is busy preparing a iNotCrazy app in case the drugs do not work.

This is what our life is right now.  There are good bits. Her birthday was awesome.  Her very first birthday party with OTHER kids.  We went to my friends art studio 4cats.com and had a pop art painting party.  Charlotte did really well.  I made cupcakes like a champ.  We wrote out 20 Valentine cards today which was patient testing, on all three of us.  Writing names! Stamping! Stickers! OMG!

Have a beautiful Valentines Day tomorrow, for I know you are all loved.

xoxoxo

* * * * *

p.s. I am going to Mom 2.0, are you? I wish you were.


January 23, 2011

Hopefully I can retract how I feel in this post at a later date

Filed under: anxiety,austism,autism?,depression,eating,medication,my mental health,sad — jennifer @ 9:27 pm

This is a slightly modified version of an email I sent to my psychiatrist earlier this evening.  Yes, I have “real life” things going on – Mark left his job in mid December, Charlotte is back at her community school for one difficult week, after her 4 and a half months at the Rehabilitation school for well, rehabilitation and assessment.  Her official discharge and diagnosis is Next Friday, also her birthday.  We know they are going to tell us she has an Anxiety Disorder and exhibits many features of Autism, but they are unwilling to put her on the spectrum.  I believe they are wrong on the Autism diagnosis, but that is another post.

I am currently having withdrawal from my psychiatric medication.  The first time I have been on nothing in about eight years.  I weaned off Lamictal (for mood stabilization) and I am just off Pristiq.  I will be starting Parnate, a drug that requires a washout period, so for now, I am drugless, unless you count beer.  And fuck Mark is having to give Charlotte a time out for a tantrum during teeth brushing.  The “good news” is that the government has decided to give us support for Charlotte in the form of an Occupational Therapist, a Speech and Language Pathologist, a behavioural aide, a psychologist and she is seeing a psychiatrist. I never thought an Autism diagnosis could be so subjective.  It makes things a lot more difficult.  Sorry, another post.

Tonight, I despair and I am unpleasant and feel shitty and this is what I emailed by psychiatrist.

From: Jennui <jennui.ca@gmail.com>
Date:
23 January, 2011 5:51:33 PM MST
To:
“Dr. Brian

I have a Barium swallow test tomorrow AM, no I am not starting the Parnate until tomorrow AM. Do you want to move our appointment for Thursday?

Also. In reading the information about tyramine restricted diet. (more food restriction information HERE) There are some foods I dont remember that surprised me. Yogurt, sour cream, aLL cheese, including processed, raspberries, pea pods, no antihistamines, commercial soup and broth, warnings about codeine. I’m getting a little freaked out. Partially because of the food restrictions and partially because holy shit is this really our last resort? What if this doesn’t work?  And I have to be super vigilant about checking my blood sugars. Am I setting myself up to fail?

This withdrawal is horrible. And the Parnate may not take effect for 2-5 weeks?  I have told Mark to eff off and I can barely tolerate Charlotte. I feel incredibly hopeless. Angry. Frustrated. Broken. My body and my brain are pieces if shit. My workout this week really aggravated my knee. I need to do more cardio based exercise, my only option in swimming. I feel fat and look bloated and disgusting. I hate eveything about myself. I can’t to anything properly. I don’t or can’t seem to take care of my diabetes or weight. I’m probably going to die of cancer. Since my bio mom and her other two sisters had cancer and my maternal grandmother died of heart disease.

I can’t even remember or get my shit together to register Charlotte in swim lessons. I keep “forgetting”. Not to mention getting myself into a swim program  I haven’t even checked my blood sugars ONCE since going on new meds and having that appointment with Dr Raff that “scared the shit out of me”.

Seriously. I have mentioned this before … what you do for me is great.  Best! Psychiatrist ever. But I still wonder about some other Counselling or life coaching. I’m 41 and I cannot see into the future. I cannot see me doing anything. Sticking to anything. I can’t bear to look in the mirror. It is hard to see anything but longing to lie in bed, stay up late watching tv, repeat.

I can’t work or even maintain a blog anymore. I’m useless. Sickly, stupid body and malfunctioning brain waiting to die. All I have been doing for almost 8 years is wasting space. I’m a pathetic excuse for a wife it mother. I feel very little hope that things can change for me. Drugs and talking to you isn’t enough. Would anything be enough or is this just it?  Waiting to die. I hate almost everything about who I am and don’t feel I have the skills or discipline to make any meaningful change to live a vaguely fulfilling life – for me or my husband or child. I lost rose coloured glasses a long time ago. Will I reach anything more than “getting by”?

Jennifer

* * * * *

I am dreading the Barium swallow test tomorrow.  The doctors are trying to figure out why I am anemic, acid reflux, excessively low level of Vitamin D, and I don’t know what else.  I have had one before.  They are yucky.

I feel I should sort of apologize for the gloom of this post.  I know, after all these years, if you have been reading me since 2002, that I should be getting better.  I SHOULD be getting better!  Alas, here I am, stuck in the mud.  Stuck in despair.  Dr. Brian tells me, this is partially the withdrawal talking, and I agree, but I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.

November 9, 2010

Rowing on

Filed under: daily,TV — jennifer @ 11:49 pm

Grace in Small Things, tv edition

- CONAN back on the air
- Law&Order: SVU
- Stewart and Colbert
- Modern Family
- Phinneas & Ferb

Yes, there are people stronger than I, who watch less tv or HAVE no tv. TV helps me get out of my head in a different way than reading. Occasionally I can watch an episode of Glee and the music makes me smile and takes all my troubles away for a moment. Simple, smiley, happy. It compensates for the deficit of my psych meds. So yeah. Good tv. TV I like, small thing and big thing.

Tonight I just want to stop processing the day. We can talk about it later.

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