My memory of her will never be the same. Were some days this difficult before?  Two months ago?  Last year?
Refusing to eat two of the foods on her repertoire, claiming they made her loose tooth hurt or her tummy hurt or mouth burn before a bite was taken?  I know she was hungry.  Two hours later dinner was 2 crackers, yes I know I know, better than nothing.  The mimicking of what I say, cute before, but a symptom now?  I feel so weak for wanting to hide in my room, like a child.

I feel badly that I am relieved school is back in tomorrow and then with dread remember the play group. The play group pilot program the school has us in for two more Mondays, she gets anxious before going, she knows we go on Monday nights, we eat pizza, we drive far away.   She is unpredictable when we are there. I get anxious and agitated. Tomorrow I have to go alone, Mark is out of town.  I have to drive in an unfamiliar part of the city. In the dark. Again I feel weak.  This is the teeniest of teeny of beginnings and I am already doubting my ability to persist and fight and wait.  Wait.  I am thankful I have a strong husband and embarrassed that I am forever the wobbly kneed foal.

I want to eat. Smoke. Drink and get drunk. Pretend. And I know. I really know that the challenges I we have are less than many others.  People say its gets better.  Everyone really does say that.

Tonight she got in bed with about 10 barbies, her Nintendo DS, I didn’t make her brush her teeth or ask to read her a book. I shut the door and am hiding in my room.

TODAY, we did make these:

sparkly on the outside

p.s. Yes, I did get my passport, no I didn’t go to Mom2.0.  More sad.  Flight cancellation, coincided with ongoing respiratory infection, more antibiotics, blah blah.  I will survive. More.