August 23, 2010

Wring it out and lay it on a towel to dry

Filed under: anxiety, austism, family, medication, my mental health, the child — jennifer @ 1:38 am

Laundry is a metaphor for my life right now.  Literally I feel buried laundry and have since we moved into this house.  We have a four level split house, it doesn’t mean its huge, it means it is tall and I am much more up and down the stairs to get dirty laundry and put it away than our previous house.  I also tend to launder at night, which means putting away Charlotte’s clothes when she isn’t sleeping.  Tonight is no exception.  Buried.

I also feel buried by life, by all the things in my life that seem in piles, not put away, unfinished, not started (like handwashing a cashmere sweater).  Charlotte’s diagnosis, my mental and physical health seem like never ending piles of dirty laundry or even clean and folded and in a basket, but no where to put them.

Charlotte stops attending the daycare she has been going to for more than three years on August 31st. The transition, the END will be difficult for her.  She knows about it and seemingly, but she will miss her beloved “teachers”and special friends.  We are trying to lessen this termination of a great experience with a cupcake party, photos and making cards and drawing pictures for special friends.  Even though social interaction is still a difficulty for her, this day care is where she is most comfortable with other little people.  Adults she is more down with.

She starts her new school on September 7th.  It will be great.  Ultimately.  Eight kid in a class, full-time teacher, full time teacher’s aide, Occupational Therapists, Speech Pathologists, a Psychologist, pediatrician, dietitian, psychiatrist and a physical therapist.  It is a fully funded dream come true which will help us refine Charlotte’s Autism diagnosis and Make It Official.  Well, we have already identified and “refined” that transitions suck for her.  She will be taking the bus both ways, to help? with the transitions, leaving mom and dad.  I am scared and worried and yes it will be fine and yes it is an amazing opportunity and yes we are very lucky to have these resources available for our child.  We will also be getting in home help with behaviour and routine with an OT within the next month as well as extra speech and language therapy.  I can explain something until the cows come home, she can nod and parrot back what I said, but the next day, she remains steadfast in her conclusions the day before or the information is not processed.  A bunch of clean laundry in several baskets, but no room in closets or drawers.

I am severely anemic as well as several vitamin D deficient.  Going to see a specialist.  I am tired all the fucking time and it is not my crazy meeds.  My wonderful psychiatrist and I have ruled those out.  The drugs that are helping, but not quite HELPING.  My moods are relatively stable, except for horrible PMS psychotic episodes and lingering anxiety, which is more bad than it should be.  New drugs, we keep trying.  My knee is still a pain, I am worried about gaining weight, I have not.  I am losing s-l-o-w-l-y.  I am enrolling in private lessons for September.  That is right, I don’t really know how to swim.  Doggy paddle dismay only stroke.  I was considering getting a part-time job many months ago.  Book store, coffee shop, cosmetics?  But I cannot be on my knee for a four hour shift.  The economy isn’t as bad as it could be, but I cannot work full-time and be a parent to an Autistic child AND be crazy.  I admit it is hard for my ego, such as it had become to go from a nice paying professional job to something like a part-time medical secretary, or something similar.  Perhaps I need to just get over myself.  Can’t wash these clothes right now, delicate cycle isn’t enough and dry cleaning uses too many chemicals.

I have a BlogHer post coming, late, but who gives a shit?  I want to write one, so I am going too.  My in-laws were here soon after I returned from NYC and I was in no shape to discuss robot hookers and amazing women.  I also need to tell you about my new gel manicure that lasted 3 weeks and me cutting my own bangs, successfully!  Weather sucks, garden sucks, I bought denim leggings (don’t judge me yet),  we are totally addicted to Phineas and Ferb, It is also my EIGHT year anniversary of having a blog, and thirteen years of being married.  It is now almost 1:30 in the morning my time and I have leeched into late night snacky time.  Shit.

Talk soon?

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August 1, 2010

Executive Summary

Filed under: EVO 10, anxiety, austism, bloggy people, blogher 10, conferences, depression, eating, family, medication, my mental health, the child, travel — jennifer @ 12:16 am

Some things

  • CHECK OUT my spanky new blog.  Renovated by the goddess Schmutzie.
  • We went to the Bahamas in January for a poker tournament, I am not sure if I told you that since I have become such a slack ass.  It was lovely, and cool and the earthquake hit Haiti, which is inches close to The Bahamas and I don’t think I wanted to talk about a luxury vacation so close to such horror.
  • I am not sure how to condense all the developments with Charlotte in a bullet point, but she has been examined and poked and watched and we are getting great support, some starting shortly.  We have a meeting with a social worker from Services for Children with Disabilities when I return from The BlogHer.  She is going to do half of grade one (regular curriculum) at a school that is adjust to the hospital where they do Neurological/Autism assessments, in order to refine her diagnosis and provide support.   It is a long road my friends.
  • My knee is still gibbled and I am still doing pilates once or twice a week with a trainer.  I am a Pilates evangelist.  Ask me about it, or let me demonstrate how my calves are so strong I can crush a beer can with them.
  • OMG I wrote nothing in March.  We went to San Diego for Spring Break with Charlotte.  It was wonderful and challenging both.  There was one day she ate nothing but peanuts and some chocolate chips and juice.  We stayed at the Hotel del Coronado, on Coronado (not really) and Island.  It was breathtaking and a fantastic place for a holiday.  I give is as many stars as you are allowed.  We had Charlotte’s Autism assessment at the School Aged Neurological Assessment Clinic in early March which was HARD and hard, but we got in about 4 months early than expected, so tiny yay.
  • In April Charlotte started a program on Thursdays from 4:00pm-6:00 PM set up my Family Services for Children with Disabilities.  It was functional play, observed by an Occupational Therapist, a Physical Therapist, a Psychologist, a Speech and Language Pathologist.  We got THAT report last week, which provided lots of information and is what is enabling us to get more supports in place.
  • Charlotte saw a Psychiatrist in April and was put on Prozac.  I think it is doing nothing, but we are revisiting that in late August.
  • Charlotte took private swimming lessons, which was awesome.  I had to go in with her IN A BATHING SUIT, which I got over, but I didn’t look in the change room mirrors much.
  • I am still losing weight s-l-o-w-l-y after the Gastric Bypass, which is good and the Diabetes stuff is good.  I will forever struggle with my weight, food, activity level, body image, but I am ok with how things are progressing, as long as they continue to progress.
  • The weather seriously gets me down here. Winter is long and spring was wet and cold and it is not good for my mood.  There have been psychiatric medication changes and that has been a challenge.  Ask me abo0ut Pristiq!
  • Went to Vegas on a “comped” trip and it was luxurious and decadent and I felt slightly evil because we did not lose any money and we do not play slots (which is usually why people get complimentary trips).  We will never get one again, but the suite was huge.  Bigger than my parent’s bungalow.
  • In May I went to EVO ‘10. The Evolution of Women in Social Media. Spur of the moment decisi0n and a great one.  Awesome conference, intimate, but not too small, fabulous people, panels, talks, food, the hotel was fantastic, the organizers were awesome.  I cannot say enough good things about EVO.  I am going next year and registering early NOW!
  • There was also lots of appointments for both Charlotte and I, we see a Psychologist, she had her Thursday night gig, we had an academic assessment, I saw my Psychiatrist, got my hair cut and coloured, STUFF.
  • June was more of the appointment thing and some family angst with my BioMom™, which unfortunately involves lending money, a surprise birthday party and a goat.  OK, no goat.
  • June was an unseasonably cold Spring, I know SUMMER to most of you, but my garden suffered from lack of warm, and deer.  For real about the deer.  STILL with the deer.  I found their hoof prints near my peas today.
  • July has gone by like a, well, fast month.  I will admit that I still spend my fair share of time “processing”, mostly I do it in bed.  Not necessarily sleeping, but lying down I guess.  I am sure it sounds sort of melodramatic or lazy or whatever to a lot of people.  Shit, me included.
  • Oh!  I had my first Mammogram (heard nothing yet, assume boobs are ok), I am severely anemic and deficit in Vitamin D.  Seeing a specialist about the lack of vitamin absorption, because yeah, it makes me tired.
  • I am going to BlogHer, I will make every effort to say hi to you, but if I am a loser and don’t recognize you, some say hi to me!  I will put a nice photo of me at the end of this post to better know my face.
  • I smoke at BlogHer *gasp* I buy a pack, I smoke about 5, if you are a once a year or regular smoker and like super super light cigarettes, come and bum one.  Don’t judge me for smoking, or go ahead.
  • My in-laws are coming the Thursday after BlogHer for 5 days.  I am trying not to worry that the garden won’t look like it has been weeded with tweezers and I my carpet looks like crap and there are still boxes that are unpacked from when we moved 2 years ago and we are not telling them any specific details about Charlotte and I hope they don’t ask us too much shit about her school and well, you know, in law visit shit.

So!!  I am SUPER looking forward to this year’s BlogHer.  I will miss you who are not there.

According to Karen Waldrond, I look like this!

jenb_waldrond

July 15, 2010

Love Thursday

Filed under: family, the child — jennifer @ 9:40 am

I love my peanut.  Who told me to stop calling her peanut lest she become one!  My husband has been away for more than a week, and it makes me appreciate him more both as a spouse and an amazing dad.  I also admire people who single solo on a regular basis.  Love to them, love to my peanut.

love_thursday_july15

Shutter Sisters inspire

June 1, 2010

No Room at the Uterus

Filed under: anxiety, depression, family, my mental health, the child — jennifer @ 3:13 am

Charlotte came home today from school with a picture of “MY FAMILY”.  It included the regular subjects, but added were “Laura”? and “ISA”? and “AVA”.  Ava, the baby sister she wants.  Funny things about this drawing were and are that she intensely dislikes the sounds of crying children, ESPECIALLY babies.  She isn’t fond of sharing, and is certainly queen of this only child castle.

The thing that OOOFffed me in the heart, was that, she does probably want a sibling.  I baby girl to play with and dress up probably sounds way better than putting one of the cats in a dolly’s dress.  I am sure she can not given true thought to the consequences this would bear, it was sweet.  Bitter sweet.

There are those people who think even one child is too many, lots of us breed too much.  Two children is irresponsible and more is nutso.  There are faiths and just regular old kid loving people who think the more the merrier, or stop at a certain number.  I knew we would only have one while when I was pregnant with Charlotte.  At seven month along I wanted to kill myself.  I couldn’t take my regular psychotropic drugs and wasn’t on any.  The suicidal ideation seem to outweigh any other risks at 7 months and I took a low dose antidepressant, until more than a year after Charlotte was born.  I knew I could not handle the mental or physical challenge of gestating again, let alone being crazy and pregnant.

Charlotte has not asked why we can’t have another baby, because these reasons are lengthy and difficult to explain to a kid without a language delay

1) crazy. I am on more medication than ever, and stopping it to get pregnant it not an option

2) diabetic.  I had a perfect diabetic pregnancy, testing my sugars, took my insulin, ate like an angel, but having a lovely fetus in your body is still a parasite and I still suffered from some milk kidney and insulin production damage.  Oh, I was diabetic before I got pregnant

3) child, I am 40.  I do not want to do this at my age for so many reasons.  Health, stamina, age, preference.

4) Ill conceived.  We needed more than a year of assisted fertility to make you.  Who knows what, if any, eggs lie beneath.  And Fertility treatments blow.

5) I couldn’t be a good mom to two children, even two girls, which if you asked me about at 25 I would have shouted YELL YA! about.  I know my limits, physically, mentally.  I may be in a healthy enough to be a good mom and good wife with two kids when I am 50.  I am working on all of that better person stuff.

6) I have the love to give, but not enough of the other important shit.  I know that one child is the right choice for us as a family.  Also, I am 40.

I wanted a sibling when I was little as well. I mean I had a older brother, but he was mean and wanted nothing to do with me and might as well have been raised by wolves, seriously. I wanted a sister.  I wanted an older sister, a younger one would have done.  I wanted an ally.  I was lucky that my mother was the eldest of 15 kids and I had Aunties around that were a pretty close second to having older sisters.  I figured out that when Aunty was on the couch and belt buckles were heard (the 70s people), that they were probably doing dirty things that God would not approve of (Catholic).  I learned to sew, I was exposed to my first computer and played text based adventure games, I drank beer a little too young, I was a bridesmaid.  Having Aunties was awesome.  I am sorry I can’t give you that in the same way either.

Lord knows that Charlotte isn’t aware of all the other problems she is facing right now and baby Ava is super not important, trust me.  My heart aches for her, for me, for Mark.  He wanted a team, at least Basketball.  Unfortunately Mark has no uterus. Or perhaps, fortunately.  I just feel a little sad and wistful, for it seems like another thing I cannot do for my family, my six year old baby. I think I am ok, I think you will be too my baby.

my_family

February 21, 2010

Sometimes sparkly just looks that way

Filed under: austism, family, my mental health, sad — jennifer @ 10:57 pm

My memory of her will never be the same. Were some days this difficult before?  Two months ago?  Last year?
Refusing to eat two of the foods on her repertoire, claiming they made her loose tooth hurt or her tummy hurt or mouth burn before a bite was taken?  I know she was hungry.  Two hours later dinner was 2 crackers, yes I know I know, better than nothing.  The mimicking of what I say, cute before, but a symptom now?  I feel so weak for wanting to hide in my room, like a child.

I feel badly that I am relieved school is back in tomorrow and then with dread remember the play group. The play group pilot program the school has us in for two more Mondays, she gets anxious before going, she knows we go on Monday nights, we eat pizza, we drive far away.   She is unpredictable when we are there. I get anxious and agitated. Tomorrow I have to go alone, Mark is out of town.  I have to drive in an unfamiliar part of the city. In the dark. Again I feel weak.  This is the teeniest of teeny of beginnings and I am already doubting my ability to persist and fight and wait.  Wait.  I am thankful I have a strong husband and embarrassed that I am forever the wobbly kneed foal.

I want to eat. Smoke. Drink and get drunk. Pretend. And I know. I really know that the challenges I we have are less than many others.  People say its gets better.  Everyone really does say that.

Tonight she got in bed with about 10 barbies, her Nintendo DS, I didn’t make her brush her teeth or ask to read her a book. I shut the door and am hiding in my room.

TODAY, we did make these:

sparkly on the outside

sparkly on the outside

p.s. Yes, I did get my passport, no I didn’t go to Mom2.0.  More sad.  Flight cancellation, coincided with ongoing respiratory infection, more antibiotics, blah blah.  I will survive. More.

February 5, 2010

Here, but not HERE

Filed under: austism, family — jennifer @ 11:46 am

Thank you as always for paragraphs are for pussies to Mrs. Kennedy

A little over two weeks ago, Charlotte, who just turned six, was diagnosed with Autism (DSM-IV 299.00).  I thought MAYBE they might say she exhibits some behaviours consistent with Aspergers, but this was more expansive than I thought.  Surprising.  She has more difficulty with language than a a child with Aspergers, so she got bumped up.

“…qualitative impairment in social interaction, communication and restricted repetitive and stereotyped patters of behaviour, interests, or activities.  Charlotte has significant difficulties using nonverbal behaviours, such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, and body posture to regulate social interaction, developing age-appropriate peer relationships, spontaneously seeks to share enjoyment and interests or achievements with others, and she demonstrates a lack or emotional reciprocity.  Her difficulties initiating and staining a conversation as well as her preoccupation with certain objects and nonfunctional routines, including pick eating, wanting certain pajamas, and difficulties with transitions (i.e. leaving parents to go into classroom), support this diagnosis.”

  • In October there was a dust up in my world of online friends and community.  My friends were hurt and I didn’t respond well, pissing off and hurting more people.  Did not feel like blogging.
  • Sewage, read POO in the basement.  Twice.  I cleaned it and now have post traumatic stress disorder.
  • More plumbing woes in the form of not enough hot water.  I need the hot water.  Where I live is COLD.
  • New meds! Weeee.  Wooooah.
  • The stress of a long time knee injury which occurred at 13 years of age has left me with osteoarthritis and an inability to do any weight bearing exercise with my left knee.  My choices are swimming, aquasize, aquafit, aquajob, aquadance, aquayoga, aqua-pretend-treadmill?
  • s-l-o-w-l-y sliding into the back a stupid Lexus SUVon an icy road, smushing my Camry grill for the low cost of $1300
  • December was a clusterf*ck of getting ready for Christmas before the 18th, when we went to visit my inlaws (which was ok, they are conservative politically and religiously, so um, there is that). Everything that could be was wrapped and baked, including me.
  • We got back late on the 23rd, my BioMom™  was here.  Christmas eve at my mom’s, Christmas day here, save be Jesus.
  • My 40th Birthday, December 31st.
  • We left for a poker tournament on January 3rd in the Bahamas.  I am not complaining, but it was a hella’ travel time from the west and it was cold and it was sort of spoiled by a spoiled and anxious me.
  • All this time, these months, Charlotte had been in the process of being assessed by the school – Speech Pathologist, Occupational Therapist, Educational Psychologist and her teacher, OH! and us, we filled out lots of forms and questionnaires and talking and observing.

I think that is all I can muster right now.  I have a respiratory infection and am bagged.  I will bring my laptop to bed, instead of using SO MUCH energy typing at my desktop.    Yes, I am way feeling sorry for myself.  Sorry.

Happy 6th Birthday

Happy 6th Birthday

brand new

brand new

September 18, 2009

Blog Laxative

Filed under: family — Tags: — jennifer @ 1:07 am

Sometimes when I go a long time without posting that I have so much to say I don’t know where to start.  So I don’t.  Then I don’t so more.  Then I think of one thing but feel like I need to give the post its proper respect and I am not sure I can do it because the event happened weeks ago.

Example.  My brother was laid off of his job of 22 years.  It happened on a Thursday a few weeks ago.  They escorted him home, took his blackberry, company truck, laptop and said that he could come back later and collect any personal effects in his office.  Twenty two years.  It was his first  job out of school.  He had never had a bad review and the firing came as a huge surprise.  My mom called me on the Saturday to tell me, wondering if my brother had called me.  He hadn’t.  We are not close and I don’t think I am at the top of the list of people to break bad news to unless it is family related.  My mom is our conduit.

When my mom told me about Mike’s job loss, she told me he cried when he told her.  He was upset and hurt and confused, he loved his job.  Knowing that my brother cried made me sob after I got off of the phone with my mother.  I grabbed a cotton sock near by bed, for no kleenex in sight (and I was still in bed, slacking on a Saturday morning).  I grabbed a lime green cotton sock that I had worn to bed because my feet are always cold, regardless of temperature. I cried until that sock was wet.  I shook and cried and imagined my brother crying.  I had seen it only on one other occasion.  He was working at a part-time job tand was a consistently top salesman.  They offered him a decent severance bu reneged on giving him thousands dollars in commissions.  He spoke with a lawyer that told him it was too expensive to fight for something that might not have a positive outcome.  He took the severance on the following Wednesday, they did not even give him a week to look it over.

I think Mike will be fine, he will get an excellent reference and has made many good contacts in his years in sales.  I am not worried, we live in a province that has a low unemployment rate, is oil rich and he is in the right industry.  We aren’t close, we have very little in common with, I love his two kids, my nieces, but he cried.

My damp sock and sad can not do anything for him, and I guess it is ok.  I said I am sorry and I don’t think he would want anything from me.  But my brother, he cried, and it hurt.

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