i am having another day. another crying manic day. well, i should say more crying than anything. i forgot to take one of my medications to vegas and didn’t realize it until the last day we were there when i told mark i was sorry i was so crazy and not easier to love. i apologized for not letting him meet someone better. thankfully we hit another outlet mall and 2 sedatives and i was sleepy, but crying less.
today, i had an argument with my mom, again about her cleaning our house. she cleans it, we aren’t thankful, we don’t keep it up. it is like we don’t even care. it is like we don’t appreciate what she does. no one else would move the furniture and vacuum for us. to be fair, we complained about her moving the couch which was lame considering she was VACUUMING BEHIND OUR COUCH. she was mad at me for complaining about my in-laws and having no respect. the conversation was not what i needed, but i will admit to not being entirely innocent of making it an antagonistic one. i was delicate and shaky and weepy before i got there. i have been crying on and off all day and staying in bed. or crying into the huge pilla’ on the futon in the basement. i think i was heard though, because there was whispering from upstairs. they went out for dinner without me, which was nice. i could wimper at full volume.
i actually explained my “depression” (with moderate details) to my mother in law who was quite lovely about it all and has been nice to me all day and evening. i had to explain because i could not stop weeping while making chocolate cream pie.
i was supposed to make easter dinner tomorrow for the family. my mom and dad, brother, sister-in-law, and two nieces. i cancelled it. i never cancel things. i have the family over a lot. we have the most space and the biggest dining room table. i cancelled the ham i ordered. the little easter treats i got for everyone lay in a heap here in my (fingers)home office(/fingers). i admit to being a bit passive-agressive towards my mom by cancelling. but nothing would be resolved by tomorrow and weeping auntie jen is no fun for anyone.
i am really fighting the failure motif tonight. can’t fix myself. revealed craziness to inlaws. not baking ham. no fun family time. i have basically ruined the crux (ha ha) of the day for everyone. my chocolate cream pie was nice at least.
i had a good time in vegas and will tell you all about it eventually, but am still dealing with the crazy. man, i wish this very special episode of jennui was only 42 minutes plus commercials.

back from vegas. home past 3 am and awake at 6:30 am! stupid cat! more than 700+ blog comment spam. must fix it somehow. going back to bed before feet turn into icicles. 8 inches of snow while we were gone.
WHO LOVES YA BABY?
p.s. WHY DOES AMERICA LOVE FUCKING STUPID SPORTS SO MUCH? MARCH MADNESS INDEED.

We are leaving for Vegas in a couple of hours. We are packed, except for the mass of toiletries I need to shove into the suitcase. I have to put on my Vegas face you know… My toenails are painted pink and all that is left is the angsty waiting. I don’t want to leave Charlotte, but I want to leave Charlotte. I love my in-laws, but I would prefer it was my mom or BioMom taking care of her. They know her better. I don’t care if they feed her sugar the whole time we are gone, I just want to make sure they don’t let her cry herself to sleep. We don’t do that. In the end, I just want her to know she is loved even though we are gone. Will she miss us? Will she be sad we aren’t here? Will she remember us when we come back? Blah. I am all edgy and anxious, but thankfully I have a pharmaceutical cure for such feelings. I am leaving my baby. With people she doesn’t know very well. I am a bad mommy.
Thanks to everyone for the Vegas recommendations. The one I can’t oblige is drinking lots, which I want to do. Alas, my body is awash in a chemical soup of medication that probably doesn’t mix well with alcohol. Even piss poor American beer.
I love you guys, I will miss you. Think good thoughts for Charlotte while we are away.
xoxox
jen

Mark is still sick and now Charlotte is sick. She only wants to be held and she wimpers and cries. It is horrid. I was up with her last night for a couple of hours. The in-laws are coming tonight. I am so afraid of getting sick as well and it ruining our holiday. My mom has been here cleaning since I have been busy taking care of Charlotte and Mark and rearranging the spice rack. I feel so guilty that she helps me so much. I am a lousy 50’s housewife.
Someone talk me off the ledge and tell me it will all be ok, sick or not. Two weeks of in-laws and the flu make for a grumpy jennui.
Also, now would be a good time to give me suggestions for Vegas – shopping, strip clubs, what to do when have the flu in vegas, etc..

pre flu charlotte
no walking photos yet, soon though

nothing improves one’s mood like an impending in-law visit. mark is back from san fran and sick and there is charlotte to take care of and i should be alphabetizing the canned goods for my OCD/anal mother in law. also, the freezer is a disaster as are all the soaps and whatnots underneath the bathroom sink. THESE are the things i worry about before they come. they are here for two weeks. but for 4 and a bit of those days we will be in vegas. i am looking forward to it, and trying not to be a pussy about missing charlotte. and worrying about her.
i am still trying to parse out whatthefuck last tuesday was. maybe a jaggedly drop from mania to ok? drugs? horrid pms? i don’t know, but i have to come clean with you internet, i called our local distress line that night at about 3:30 am. once they answered i decided it was silly, since i wasn’t going to kill myself and there isn’t much they could say to help at that moment. so i put away the chocolate mini eggs, went upstairs, touched charlotte’s head and went to sleep.
i appreciate all the kinds thoughts, words and support. as always. let me just say that if what i described to you sounded like a normal day for you, you need a doctor. it was awful and scary and not in the realms of normalcy as far as i know them. i am just glad i have been through enough and have enough wisdom to know i was going to be ok. i am so glad things have never been so bad as to really really need the distress line.
now, i am going to clear out my hair accessories drawer and my slutty lingerie drawer in the spare room so my in-laws have somewhere for their knickers.
p.s. i am the mommy of a baby who walks

oooooo a bloodfeast
i just accidentally deleted a post about how i feel like crap. you are probably glad.
i was telling you that i am feeling hypomanic. or manic or whateverthefuck. i have been feeling all up and ready to go and chatty and irritable and whatnot for days. mostly i like it. today, not so much.
i woke up loggy, but was soon ready to go go go. talk talk talk on the phone, tidy house before biomom, get charlotte ready for the car ride, cry in the car for no reason. talk talk talk, excited to see biomom! we can do this and that and this while you are here! sudden agitation and impatience. feel badly. i just want to be good and nice. short fuse and then so patient.
get home and pretend to check email while crying in the basement. back upstairs. talk talk talk, oh oh oh! yes and yes and we can go here and there and look at these fabulous linens on the web! impatience and criticise biomom. feel awful. check out basement for crying availability.
feel better! yay! lets make dinner, say inappropriate and insensitive things. hate myself. look for reason to go to basement, biomom puts charlotte to bed. cry and cry and cry. is this ADD, some bipolar manic thingy? some weird meds reaction? UP down UP down. rapid cycling? in one day? i hate myself this way. i don’t even want to be around myself. i spend, i feel guilty. i feel all high and want to buy something! i feel badly again.
i want to sleep. this is the first night in about two years i have slept alone. feel stupid for not being more independent. i miss mark. i need him to hold me. i am scared and i want to feel normal.
you are sick of reading about this. i should be writing about how i am progressing upwards, not spiraling all over the place. you are tired of reading this. i am so so tired of feeling this way. i have eaten too much chocolate eggs, i feel guilty. oh the sugar. put them away. i eat more. i contemplate ordering sleeping pills online. oh to sleep and ignore this all. sadly i prefer to be high than low. but what is with the sudden self loathing and weeping and then the upbeat talk talk talking? i don’t understand. the up the down, all in one day. all in one hour.
i am tired, and sick of writing about this, and you are sick of reading.

Charlotte got an orange Boobah for Christmas. Yes, mia, they loook like warty uncircumsized penises. Anyhow, anytime we make the thing dance Charlotte cries like I am torturing her. It sits in a box now.
Also, the Mole sisters are faux moles. Why aren’t they blind????? I will look for the aspect ratio problem next time….
And Nunu = vagina. HA! I love you Cait.

I have a billion things to do. BioMom is coming on Tuesday. I have to at least clean the bathrooms, make up the guest room, and get rid of a metric buttload of clothes and debris strewn around. Somehow I feel like if I can fire off a blog entry then I can get started. Whatever works. I have the energy, being on prescription speed and all. BioMom is coming to keep me company while Mark goes to a conference in San Francisco.
I have a mostly photo entry for you, but first a wee update.
I have lost about 25 pounds in the last couple of months (yay!), but I did it by completely ignoring my diabetes and having really high blood sugars and stressing my kidneys out (boo!). The good/bad news is that I went to the doc and got all set up. I realized that things were bad when I finally tested my blood sugar after months and months of ignoring. Very high. Anyhow, I am on insulin again and for the rest of my life. I guess even in a perfect diabetic pregnancy, your pancreas is compromised. So now, I produce even less insulin on my own, PLUS I am still resistant to the insulin I do get. It is a recipe for extreme fatness, unless I exercise or eat wind pudding non-stop. My psychiatrist says I must be a wee manic because I am taking it all so well. Weee! Better up than down I say! I am creating a plan to not go blind, lose a foot, or die early. Excercise and eating properly (as well as meds and insulin) are involved. Insulin 4 times a day and glucose checks 7 times for now… For the science types, my fasting glucose has been about 16.5 mmol/L or 297 mg/dL and my post meal tests have been running 30/540. Not good anyhow.
****

our recently culled bookcase. we took a lot of mark’s sci fi to the Goodwill. i also got rid of some new agey deepak type books i get from BioMom.

a quilt my mom got from a senior’s centre she worked at ages ago. she finished it. it is charlotte’s now. i LOVE it.

a closeup of Q, my favourite.

cool bowl i bought at the mall thursday night with a gift certificate i got for christmas.

trust me, we are not crazy beanie baby collectors (or ARE WE?), but we do have all these beanie baby kitties. they stare at me from atop my armoire that my dad built. oh, and next to the kitties is a creepy anne geddes doll (gift). it freaks me out, i should move it.

inside the armoire. yes, it resembles my nightstand a bit.

as does my master bedroom closet.

and my closet in the spare room.

my armoire full of “work” clothes that are all slowly going out of style.

i even keep a few things in mark’s study closet.

or i let things linger on the spare room bed. clean laundry to be put away. somewhere.

we have a lot of CDs. i don’t listen to them very often. i should rip more to mp3s and play them on the puter.

insulin, 4 times a day, rapid acting, at meals.

insulin, big needle! once a day, long acting.

my ivy in the main floor bathroom. its not fake, i love it so.

where i type this thingy.

i am ready for my close up motherfucker!