i have a fever. it is embarrassing. i have hockey fever. our hometown team, the edmonton oilers, are currently in a run for the stanley cup and it looks like they may well get to the finals. i generally loathe professional sports. i hate that athletes are seen as role models and celebrities. i hate that they make so much money. i hate that sporting events often interrupt my television viewing. but this has been an exciting playoffs for us. i am a total fair weather fan. regular season can suck it. i need a shorter route to results. and teaching charlotte to yell “HIT ‘EM” whenever we are in the corner with an opposing team member has been very satisfying. i felt i had to come clean. there is a game tonight. i may even have a beer or two. iffin’ i can get to the store before charlotte wakes up. mark took the afternoon off so i could get some bid’ness done here on the computer. i also need a shower, seriously.
we did have a nice long weekend, but my laziness and slack preventing me from completing my garden and now it had been raining like a motherfucker all week. i did manage to get my tomatoes in yesterday during naptime. and now you guys have a long weekend (you guys = america).
we have lowered my lithium, hoping it would make me less lethargic. nothing so far. i am tired, all the time. maybe i am just lazy. is there a pill for that? or is a kick in the ass available my prescription? at least this is Canada and our drug plan would probably cover that. my biggest problem is getting going in the morning, especially if we don’t have anything planned, like working at the gym daycare or a visit with someone. we have a gymboree thingy on thursday mornings and i have missed about 1/2 of them. partially from lack of motivation, illness, acts of god, etc. what is wrong with me? it makes me feel like a suck ass mom. i mean, it is one thing to slack when it is just me, but charlotte needs to get out and socialize and see other kids and people. when i complained about this last week to my psychiatrist she lowered my lithium and said that my mood seemed fine and that it didn’t seem like depression. i don’t know what is “causing” it, but it is one more thing that makes me feel weak, like a failure, like i cannot commit to anything 100%, in this case, raising my kid. i am so lucky to be able to stay at home (i keep telling myself). we made the choice that i would not work outside the home full-time, i feel grateful that i do not have to put char in daycare. it just isn’t something i wanted. we all make our choices, and this is mine and i seem to be fucking it up. i feel angry at myself. i think i will prescribe myself a shower and a trip to the liquor store.
please excuse the bipolarness of this entry.
update with photos:

one of two

Don Cherry, a Canadian “treasure”.

Mark is taking tomorrow off and Monday is Queen Victoria’s birthday, so we will be doing what most Canadians do at this time of year. Drinking and gardening. ok, maybe some blog posts. who knows?

have a great long weekend to those who have it!

last minute attempt to write something under the wire before i go to bed. i am so lame. someone should fire me. welcome to a scattered post about what is up yo.
so, i am taking the lithium down a notch. the doc thinks it might help the fatigue and junkie-like shaking. the blood work showed that my “levels” we a bit high.
Biomom™ was here this weekend to visit a doctor, check out her house, and revel in mothery and grandmommery goodness. my memory = bad. did i tell you biomom bought a house here and 3 months ago, but hasn’t been able to sell her house 5 hours south of us? a wee stressful for all involved. luckily mark sold a kidney and we were able to float her a loan so she has two mortgages. we had the whole family over here on sunday for steaks and salad and fabulous desserts, like a banana spit bar!, and a lemon tart! and other yummy things. the weather was beautiful. in fact, it looks good all week. char and my mom and my niece and i all when to the park today and ran around in the neighbourhood’s biggest litterbox and went on the swings and down the slide. hurrah!
i figure this week is a 3 outfit a day week. summer is so short here. the time before the mosquitoes come is nigh, and last year there were several summer things i bought and never wore. Charlotte has even more clothing, i figure she could wear a dress a day on the nice warm days and we would never wear once twice. my fabulous friend Kelly from the daycare where i “work” (she was the boss, but now is on maternity, weee more time for me!), anyhow, Kelly gave us an assload of clothes for Char. That is not why i love her though. The best thing about working at the gym has been meeting Kelly. You would LOVE her.
i am hugely behind in my gardening devotion this year. i started NOTHING from seed in the house this year. i haven’t even finished preparing my beds for planting. someone is going to come over and revoke my amateur gardening license.
ok, so lower lithium, do i sound manic to you? i am feeling like i am talking too fast, which makes no sense since i am typing.
oh oh oh! for mother’s day for my biomom i got her a little enameled silver box with a dragon fly on it and inside is a tiny curl from both charlotte and i as babies. totally sentimental right? score! i made her tear up. i even made the ladies in the shop where i bought the box tear up.
i lost my train of thought thinking about comment spam i have to clear. and of course, it is LATE and i should be SLEEPING.

mommy’s day

swingin’ at the park
click for more flickry pics.
xo

i am mopey and sad and it is late and i should be in bed. i succumb too easily to manipulative television plots that make me cry (i am looking at YOU Grey’s Anatomy). although i think part of why i like such show is BECAUSE they make me cry. it is like when i was talking about having a melancholy song mix on your ipod for the times you wanna cry.
tomorrow i go see my psychologist for the first time in a long long time. this is the lady who is trying to do cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) with me. i have homework i was supposed to do for tomorrow and have not. i will probably do it in bed upstairs. when i am honest with myself, i think i don’t really want to be cognitively nor behaviourly modified even though i know it is what is best. i know all the things i should be doing, controlling my diabetes, eating properly, exercise, positive self talk, no asking mapquest for the quickest way to the tallest bridge, etc. why don’t i want to? seriously? what is my problem? how spoiled can a person be? i have a therapist to help do things better. or help me to help myself or whatever. why would i want to continue behaviour patterns that clearly are not working and not healthy? i am looking at YOU empty box of danish pastries from Safeway. i have all the drug help a person could want, and lately i am thinking maybe too much. classic right? you are depressed, you take medication, you are no longer depressed, you want to go off medication. seriously though, i am not sure the lithium is even doing anything. maybe i am just whiny and lazy and yes legitimately anxious, but other than that perhaps not bipolar lite. it has been so sunny outside, shouldn’t i be happy? you know, with my SAD and all (kidding, never diagnosed with that). and why why why cannot i just pick up the toys on the floor in the basement instead of stepping over them for an entire week? why can’t i cook dinner at home more often? get to the gym regularly? phone back so-and-so? return whatshernames email? at least when i was at my office job, it felt like a moderate success just to get there everyday and sit in my chair and answer my phone once in a while. i mean at least i had a business card. it was so much easier to quantify what a good day was. even on the days where i didn’t get much done but read a few blogs and attend a meeting or two, at least i brought home some cash money at the end of the month and i knew a days work was worth 8$ or whatever. ok, i’m off on a different tangent and really, i should go write about my sexuality and body image for my therapist. weee.
oh! i did go and get my bloodwork done yesterday. only three months late.

i am fucking sick AGAIN! this time with more of a head cold, which holds promise for excrutiating sinus pain. it is like i have some bug living inside of me that doesn’t want me to feel fine. i am off to sleep.
we are signing our will tomorrow. finally. unrelated to mucous news, but thats about all that is going on that is new. if mark and i die, we are leaving charlotte to you, the internet. take good care of her please.

strawberry shortcake

eek
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oh, and wooo!