Reminder to self: that is NOT a pooticle on Charlotte’s ass, it is a new freckle.

i call my mother tonight
me: whatcha’ doin’?
mom: watching “Pretty Woman” have you heard of or seen this movie? i don’t recognize any of the actors (seriously, she said this)
me: mom, you may be the only person in the free world NOT to have seen Pretty Woman
mom: it is about a pretty woman (so a ‘who-errr’, said like a Sopranos character) and she gets together with a handsome older gentlemen……
me: mom, i have probably seen the movie 10 times…
mom: i don’t think it will end well, i mean, how could it end well?
me: it is a hollywood movie mom, what do you think the chances are it has a happy ending (inaudible rim shot from my house)?
mom: i just don’t see how it could end well. oh! the commercials are over and it is back on. i will call you tomorrow.
my parents. they need to get out more. LESS ORGANIC FLAX BREAD AND MORE FREAKIN’ TV. ahem.

i had a dream this afternoon during my nap that i was hanging out with cameron diaz and drew barrymore in Morocco have an awesome time! there was a kafuffle in the nightclub we were in and i was on my hands and news scrambling the floor looking for my passport and purse. i found my wallet and a receipt made out to me for “therapy, condition: excessive arousal and sexuality related to terrorism”. BEST thing though, was that the receipt was printed on shiny gold paper. you would think my subconscious could think of something better for me to be treated for.

Dear Skinny Black Pants and Gouchos,
Go on without me. I will be ok.
Love,
JenB

You may or may not have noticed my absence from posting. I have lots floating in my head to write about, but it is log jammed with all the flotsam and jetsam of going off meds (ADD meds/speed and lithium) and starting a new med, Lamictal, that will take more than a month to reach therapeutic levels. I am also looking for a second opinion psychiatrist. If you have been jennui a long time you will remember be ranting and raving about my current doc who, while lovely, has time management and personal issues which i believe compromise my care. so welcome to socialized medicine. i had three new psychiatrists on my list for referral, none of whom are taking new patients. my GP’s (primary care physician for the ‘mericans) nurse asked me if I had any one else to recommend, like I am a hotbed of knowledge in the psychiatric community. isn’t that what a GP is for? isn’t she connected to a few psych docs that she has similar philosophies with and refers patients to. ALL I WANT (yes, i am yelling) is to make sure I am not taking an ASSLOAD of medication for no reason or have it not work properly. I am talking 2 antidepressants, the ADD meds, the lithium, the klonapin, the diabetic management meds, which count to 5 more and about 10 total if we include insulin. i am a walking fucking pharmacy and i want to feel better. aren’t i on enough shit to make me feel better??? since it is going to take me a long time to see a new Pdoc, i saw my old one this past thursday and it went ok. i laid my needs out on the line, told her i was having bad thoughts and hmmm wasn’t the lithium and other shit supposed to stop the bad thoughts? the REALLY bad thoughts?
so i am withdrawing on some meds, not sleeping well, irritable (ok, that perhaps is not new), but I am trying not to scar my toddler for life by having a batshit crazy mother. mark has been great, but he does have to work now and again, and my mom is great, buy mom’s just don’t understand (a la beastie boys). AND my cats ass is in my face for the bazillionth time. my must you be here while i type? you don’t like me petting you? (pets cat) cat gets irritated. (pets cat) not irritated enough to go away.
Ok, I feel better that is all out. there is more, i just must say. this is one reason why i blog. to detail the crazy.
god i miss you guys.
(pinched tail lightly) still does not move (tosses puss off desk unceremoniously)
p.s. i bought 3 new bras and 2 new hats. my stylehive is killing me.

awww
p.s. we have taught charlotte to tell us everything she eats is DELICIOUS! she lives in CANAGA and she answered the phone “real-last-name hello” the other night. ok, then she hung up, but cute!
TWO HOURS LATE for Talk Like a Pirate Day, but, courtesy of my bloglessfriendMichelle:
Pirate pickup lines:
- They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
- You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
- Wanna shiver me timbers?
-I’ve crushed seventeen men’s skulls between me thighs! (my favourite, for no reason)

Guest entry by my beloved, whilst i comboboulate.
Okay, so this is the part where I talk about World of Warcraft. Blizzard Entertainment’s best way to ensure that our generation will not procreate.
Most players who play World of Warcraft will have a level 60 character (the maximum level) within 4-6 months of starting to play. So, you’ve probably lived with this pain in the butt for quite some time. So, let’s talk about how to talk to someone with a level 60 character, since that will be of import to most of you!
Most of your significant others will talk about their epic mount, and how they don’t have enough money for their epic mount. As Jennifer points out, the “epic mount” is not as exciting as it first sounds. It’s just a very fast movement speed modifier for the character when they aren’t in combat. A tiger or a horse. Or a “chicken” (as Charlotte calls my gnomish mechanostrider … it’s more like an ostrich than a chicken, but she’s two, so I’ll cut her some slack.) An epic mount costs 900 gold pieces and, for most people, that’s a lot of money. So they will whine about it a lot. If you’re willing to pay anywhere from $0.10 to $0.12 per gold piece in real world money for World of Warcraft gold, you can stop them whining about how they can’t afford their mount. (Makes a good Christmas gift for them!)
The equipment their character wears is really important to them, and there are many ways of getting it. If they’re not in a dungeon somewhere (i.e. you see trees or desert), you can probably ask them: “Are you just grinding for reputation or are you farming?” Both of these things lead to one thing: better gear for their character. Grinding for reputation is to kill enough monsters to make them happy with you. For example, you have to kill over 7000 monsters to get to Exalted (the highest rating) with the Argent Dawn, which then gives you a pretty trinket or three that you can’t get anywhere else in the game. Farming means that they’re looking for special components. The bane of my existence are the Tar Lords in Un’Goro Crater, who drop Living Essences that are worth a pretty penny. And it’s rare for someone to come along and “gank” you on my server at least. (By the way, “gank” is to attack someone unprovoked … usually while they’re fighting a monster and already having difficulties.) These special components can then be used to build some really nice equipment.
There are two other methods for the level 60 character: battlegrounds and raids. Battlegrounds are pitched and fevered battles with the opposing team (in the game, it’s Alliance versus Horde), and you end up playing a “player versus player” or “PvP” battle. Raids, on the other hand, are large groups of people going to kill monsters that they couldn’t kill in a small group. Dragons such as Onyxia, or Kel’Thuzad are examples of raid bosses. They drop the really good stuff that everyone wants. So, in general, the group has to go many many times so that everyone gets all of the gear that they want. In fact, some groups go hundreds of times to satisfy everyone.
If you hear them talking about raiding, ask them “What tier of Raid Armour do you have?” This is a beautiful one for most World of Warcraft players who have level 60 characters to hear. The tier of Raid Armour in World of Warcraft is like a penis enlargement or a tattoo/piercing : when they show it to you, don’t point and laugh at how ridiculous it looks. There are only 3 levels of raid armour at this moment. So, if they are going on about getting their “level 2 helmet”, feel free to mock them for not being man/woman enough to take on Kel’Thuzad in Naxxramas (that’s where you get the Level 3 armour.) And if they say they don’t have raid armour, they don’t have enough friends to go get raid armor, or they can’t devote enough time to join one of the better guilds! Be forewarned about getting whined at in retaliation!
In a few days, I’ll have some fun things to say to an online gambler/poker player.
Signed, the bacon bringer

editor’s note: try not to answer back; “this is what i hear: warcraft blah blah blah warcraft blah blah blah” because then NO one is eating dinner.

Guest entry from my beloved:
While our regular correspondent is out, you have to suffice with my diatribes. Today, we’re going to talk about advice for gaming widows. Some of you have significant others who play online poker, World of Warcraft, or even play Xbox 360 Live games incessantly. Maybe they spend too long staring at their iPods (yes, they now have Bejeweled for the iPod) or a Nintendo DS. Some of you have significant others that do too much of all five of these. … (long pause, whistling) While they prattle on about Zul’Gurub, Hexic or the differences between Stars versus Party, you can still talk to them.
In part 1, we’re going to talk about communication for the Xbox Live gamer widow.
“What’s your Gamerscore today?” Gamerscore are shared amongst all the games that they play on their account, so it’s the ultimate measure of how big your penis is. And there are global lists! You can measure your Gamerpoints versus anyone else. What’s the easiest way to detect if someone cares about Gamerscores? You know someone is a Gamerscore addict if they rent or own King Kong. Why? The game is 6 hours long, and it’s the easiest 1000 Gamerpoints that they will ever get. Anyway, you probably need to call an addiction counselor or have an intervention if the significant other’s total is 25000 or more, since that means they’ve played 25 games to completion! (There are only 66000 available currently to North Americans … so don’t ask them if they have 100000 points.)
In general, they should be able to get about 25 to 50 points per hour of playing on the Xbox 360. So, if they’ve been down in the basement with the spiders behaving like a troll for four hours, and you ask how many points they received today, when they say “only 25”, console them and tell them it’ll be better tomorrow. That should get you a kiss on the cheek or maybe some tongue.

“How many black pearls did you get today?” The beauty of this one is that it applies to both the Xbox 360 downloadable game Hexic … which everyone gets when they get the Xbox 360 hard drive … and World of Warcraft (even though Golden Pearls are so much rarer … we’ll save that for Part 2). Oyster Meisters, on the other hand, are exclusively a Hexic achievement. Call your significant other “your little Oyster Meister” and ruffle his/her hair if you see lots of hexes on the screen as you cruise by.
And if you’re into the classic video games at all, and you happen to be walking by the Xbox 360, ask to see Galaga or Pac-Man or Frogger. That may surprise them enough to engage you in conversation. If you remember these games from days of yore, you’ll find them faithfully rendered on the Xbox 360. But, as Jennifer keeps pointing out, it’s not really the same as leaning on the joystick and hammering the Fire button as we used to.
Almost everything else is specific to the games that they go out and purchase … so confine yourself to Gamerscores and references to Hexic, and you should be fine.
Stay tuned for Part 2: World of Warcraft, Part 3: Online Poker/Gambling and Part 4: Portable People (Nintendo DS & iPods)
Signed, the bacon bringer

but i am working things out right now with medication and new doctors, and hangnails, and shoe organization, etc.
So, enjoy a few photos intead and know i love you. For real.
xo


I KNOW!