I wussed out and went as a cat for halloween. Mark didn’t come, Charlotte has been a bit of a pill and he chose to stay home rather than expose her to anyone else. Despite my fear of people, parties, people and parties without drinking a lot or smoking or something, I had a nice time. I didn’t get home until 2 AM! Part of that was driving home on the freeway which was slippery and full of stupid snow.

i wore a tail too, it looked like i was taking a bit spotted, sparkly shit out my pants.

i am blatantly using the blog for my own selfish purpose. we are going to an adult halloween party on saturday night. which Mark and I both dread. I am not a huge fan of halloween or parties, or people, or leaving the house.
Anyhow, I need suggestions for adult costumes for Mark and I. They don’t have to match, and can involve a little sewing.
My tonsilitis has retreated, but really knocked me on the ass. WTF? Only other news this week is that we got a new low flush toilet for the upstairs bathroom! To replace the 1968 30 gallon version that wasn’t performing well. I know, non stop riveting prose from jennui.
I did post some flickr pics this week in case anyone missed that.
Oh and I am re-pimping cw from witt and wisdom. He is currently live-blogging the Amazing Race and he is one funny motherfucker. He is a great writer regardless, but the AR stuff is making me hoot. I wish he was my friend who lived in the same city so i could torment his tiny dog.

i have tonsilitis. for the love of frak people. why does my body and mind hate me so? i am crazy! is that not enough? i have to have the throat of a million razor blades to add to my fretful melon? i thought it was a cold and finally caved into peer pressure and went to the doc and am taking antibiotics. so now, i am one step closer to DEATH when the killer strain of the flu comes and I took one dose too many and can resist its evil forces of influenza. and i am also very very snotty.
and now a brief history of things i may have not told you
1) my Biomom™, who bought a house here in March (you may remember), sold it (while i was at BlogHer) because she couldn’t sell her house in the backass rural city she lives in. this makes me sad and disappointed. i am not going to get into any weird abandoned again issues, but i am sad. get this though, she made about 100 grand on the house here. bought in march, sold in july.
2 a.) i finally hired a cleaning service every two weeks to help me a bit. it makes me feel somewhat like a lazy, crazy loser who can’t keep her own house clean when people with 4 kids can make cakes and home made halloween costumes (bought one for Char on ebay). i also did it so my mom would quit hassling me about how my house is not clean and how I can’t can’t the house. her standards for clean are of the Bree Van de Camp of Desperate Housewife kind.
2 b.)one day last week while my mom was over she told me 1 – “i wish you could lose that roll of lard above your pants”, and 2 – “why don’t you use bleach, your whites aren’t very white”. the first comment i ignored, the second i said that i don’t like to poison your drinking water with chemicals!!! biatch (ok, not that exactly)
3) I have an appointment with a brand new psychiatrist, a dude, on november 30th. just for a second opinion. unless he is hot. kidding.
4) Charlotte is bordering on not being allowed out in public with us anymore. she hates being tethered to a stroller or high chair or holding your hand for safety. when i was having a really bad day a few weeks ago Mark suggested we go OUT to eat to Chilis, they are fast, and sorta kid friendly and close. I was dubious. Charlotte freaked out, no booster seat! no want high chair! NO WANT! so, the lovely husband i have took the kid for a hamburger and i ate my dinner alone with a newspaper that a kindly waiter brought me after he found me weeping into my double shot lime margarita. i even had dessert. i am sure my pancreas got a workout. someone tell me this is a phase and she wont be yelling NO WANT! when we are looking at Colleges in 16 years.

so, it is 3 am here. i have a sinus cold. i am hopped up on cold medication and i am sick so even i should be able to sleep. BUT i took the maximum dose of NON DROWSY sinus stuff. anyone up yet in the EST and wanna’ talk? or what time is it in Australia? The cat is annoyed that i am typing on the laptop and not giving him my ass to warm up. How bad would like 1/2 a glass of wine be with sudafed DAYTIME RELIEF be?
i KNOW someone out there can’t sleep. What are or did you do?
xo

i have been meaning to write this post for a long time now. i don’t know why i feel compelled to compose it at 1:33 AM my time, but here we are, you and me. although i suspect the you part of that equation is sleeping.
so, anyone wonder if we are going to have another child? or anyone who i haven’t already told no to? others have written about infertility and having a second child. Julie has this great post, and Julia has been working hard to have another despite disappointment. Both of these women write about infertility much better than I and both have had more difficulty conceiving than we did.
i waffle. all the time. right after Charlotte was born I felt adamant after they were trying to identify my placenta, that i could not do this again. i could not have a horrible pregnancy full of nausea, needles of insulin, paralyzing anxiety, bed rest, a c-section and more than a year of fertility treatments not to mention 10 days in the NICU (i realize that is small compared to some, but is it awful).
i am not sure when the have-another-baby-lust started, probably when Charlotte was about a year old. i like babies, they smell good, diapers don’t bother me, i loved breastfeeding, i didn’t mind the sleeplessness while it lasted, did i mention how cute and nice they smell? and you can hold them and love them and call them George. but do i want a second child? another teenager? it will throw off the whole guest room plan. can i, mentally challenged/crazy even manage another baby/child/angry teen? i mean i know people on Jerry Springer have tons of kids, but i mean, those people are seemingly fucked up and i would rather avoid inflicting my craziness on an unsuspecting babe. and there is MY medication to consider. i would have to come off almost everything like last time. could benoit handle another 2-3 years of tail pulling and being offered arrowroot cookies? my brain says NO, you have one good kid, that is enough, you are not capable of having another. i am on injectible insulin 4 times a day now as a result of my pregnancy even though i managed my diabetes perfect while pregnant. what if my pancreas gives up completely a second time? would i lose my kidneys? no one can really say what the outcome may be. i am sure Mark would love another one. but what if i had a boy? i don’t know if i could raise a boy.
but all this does not stop the ache. when i see babies, when i look at photos of charlotte as a wee babe. when i think that my uterus is just going to get old and dusty and i am almost 37 and what we have is good. a million reasons NOT to, yet i still ache to have another. which given the fertility issues could take a long time to even get pregnant or not even get pregnant.
maybe i should just get another cat. thanks for listening.

i know its a huge faux pas in the blog world to apologize for not posting, but fuck it. sorry for not posting. the med change angst, getting new windows installed and having my mother in my FACE for almost a whole week has taken a toll on my mental status.
i plan to write an entry as part of Maggie Mason’s virtual book tour for No One Cares What You Had for Lunch – 100 Ideas for your Blog. Until then, I have mostly been eating pumpkin pie for lunch since it was Canadian thanksgiving over the weekend. we had a subdued and sub par meal at my mom’s. i do love seeing charlotte with her grandparents though.
funny anecdote, and then bed. i was up until 4 am last night with some anxiety issues.
we get a letter from Mark’s parents every week. it is really detailed about what they are doing, what THEY ate for lunch, what colour they are painting things, who they saw at church, etc. the letter we got today had story about how the CIBC (Canadian International Bank of Commerce) sponsored Run for the Cure, really interfered with their getting to church on time, in FACT, attendance was light because the cops had shut down roads, etc. My mother in law suggested that they riot like muslims (in the letter only, i hope), and my father in law said that is just one more reason he is glad they don’t bank at CIBC. Yeah, CIBC, those cancer curing bastards!!! Mark almost choked to death laughing while reading the letter on the can (TMI honey?).
also, my mother told us at thanksgiving dinner that she is sick of all the pink stuff. “everything is pink. pink pink pink.” i told her that October was BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH, you know, what your sister died of last year? bonehead. so, tonight i am cursing old people and their weird ways. all their dumb advice (seriously, my mom told me to ACTUALLY count sheep tonight), all their silly comments. me: dad my car wont start. dad: are you using the right key?, helpful suggestions like “let her cry herself to sleep” or “all that stuff about breastfeeding is propaganda”.
go look at my new windows.
and here is a picture of my kitty who i love.