I am feeling literal today. Maybe I will try for literal post titles for all of NambloPoMo? Hmmm
Anyhow, I discuss my love for Law & Order with no references to penises here.
I should add that one of the reasons I prefer the L&Os to all those Bruckheimer things like CSI, Without a Trace, Cold Case, is that they don’t have a music video montage at the end, where everything is tied up nicely and they see the victim (i assume, a ghost), looking all relieved. Baywatch did music video montages people. BAYWATCH.
I am also so glad that Jon Stewart and Colbert are back on this week. I get my news from almost no where else.
Phrase of the day from the child:” WHAT THE CRAP?” (in the playground, seemingly addressing no one and
nothing). It is an amalgamation of her saying “what the hell?” and just “crap”. She a literary genius!

Join the mockery and big hair in our new flickr pool: Not Ready for Prime Time: Before We were bloggers.

Hottt!

Mark: Charlotte come and help us carve pumpkins! See how goopy the insides are? Isn’t that cool?
Charlotte:…..
Me: Charlotte, carving pumpkins is awesome, this one can be yours! We can carve it especially for YOU!
Charlotte:…..
Mark: Look at Daddy carving out eyes! This is great!
Charlotte: This is not fun anymore. (Exit stage left: Charlotte)
_ _ _ _ _ _
Mark, disillusioned, goes off to design a bigger! better! Pumpkin.
(The End)
- – - – - – - – - -
Charlotte’s pumpkin

The pumpkin of disinterest

I am getting some things organizized. In home, in life, in my head. First stop , my makeup. For the fourth or fifth or whatever time I found Charlotte drawing or smearing my lipstick on the walls, cupboards, etc, I snapped. I bought a makeup case a la Carmindy from What Not to Wear. It has a key.

I plucked some leaves and nearly dead things from the garden to help me war off the evil spirits of winter. Screw you people who love winter. You lie!


This is also what my kid does. Leta and Charlotte would probably get along.

Friday night Fun!

Friday night women’s murder club basket of mismatched socks
Tomorrow I need to make calls, clean the bedroom, well and the guest room, well, you get the idea. The housekeeper is coming Thursday so the general debris should be shifted off visible surfaces.
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Wet thoughts for those in SoCal. Scary stuff. xo from me.

Because of my love for pop culture and sweetpea sweetney, I am now writing a blurb on the cult favourite MamaPop on Mondays. Tracey had to walk me through it today because i am a bit slow eh. I am from Canada. And I have never used typepad. The legions of fans and panties sent to me in the mail will be payment enough.
p.s. I love the show Brothers and Sisters. Is that so wrong?

I know some of you think I am a sell out for having ads, but, well, they pay for my hosting and new monitor.
My people would love you to take this survey, and I will in turn, say a hail mary for you. I am feeling really catholic lately.
Also, I am seriously working out some life stuff, it isn’t that exciting, but very preoccupying. Just to let you know. It has not snowed here yet and I thank the little 8 pound 6 oz baby Jesus for it every freakin’ day. Today my mom came over, we cleaned up the yard a bit and charlotte played in her NEW sandbox. Need to get camera out tomorrow. She then screeched like a tree monkey when I tried to take her in for a nap. The whole time my mom is all; “she is 3 and a half, she doesn’t need naps anymore, it is clear she doesn’t WANT them”. THANKS MOM! We were having such a nice time.
———->
I am also totally stealing content from my friend Karen who doesn’t have a blog. Karen was my roommate in University for the last two years and is AWESOME and kickass! and HOT! And has two tall blonde boys, which figures since she is married to a tall blonde man and is a tall blonde lady!

From Karen: This is a ‘before bed’ checklist I found taped to (my large blonde child’s) closet door. I really hope this is not the order of priority.
tee hee

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES. Of my current BlogHer post.

This week Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. I was thrilled, as this throws even more attention to the climate change crisis. Along with Gore, the (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) was awarded this prestigious award. Canadian John Drexhage was one of the many scientists working with the IPCC, he said he was shocked and humbled to learn the organization had won the peace prize. I struggled for a while trying to make this into my entire post this week and failed. There are many people covering this good news and I felt like a kernel of corn on a huge cob.
Instead I decided (with the help of my fellow Twitterarians) to talk about how Canadians are funny. Iy is funny, not ha ha funny, but funny, that as a people I don’t feel we are funny, but lots of Canadians who have gone on to be paid for funny. I have lived in Canada my whole life. Sometimes I am not aware that certain things are not common to American culture. Ex-pat Kyran Pittman reminded me of the ridiculous advertisements about how they get the caramel into the Caramilk bar. The advertising campaigns for Caramilk bars revolves around the question as to how the centre of the confection was put into the chocolate exterior. One notable advertisement involved Dan Aykroyd in costume from his Coneheads Movie investigating the matter. These ads used to drive me crazy as a kid. I could think of at least 10 ways it was possible without being a professional confectioner. The previous link will spill the “secret”. They are tasty, I will give them that.

I just noticed that Wikipedia has an entire entry for wiki/Canadian_humour. I dare say it is different. I think
Canada is more tolerant of satirizing politics, culture, and ourselves. Offbeat comedy such as The Kids in the Hall, featuring cross dressing and a lot of gay focused humour
took a while to catch on in the States. Perhaps we are more laid back or are just really cold a lot of the year and
laughing makes us warmer. The most famous of news satire/sketch comedy shows is probably href="http://www.cbc.ca/22minutes/">This Hour has 22 Minutes. One of my favourite bits on the show was a character called Marh Delahunty or Marg, Princess Warrior, a parody of Xena warrior princess, but with middle aged lady glasses. She would accost politicans with criticism and then some motherly advice about their tie, shoes or haircut. It was priceless and I imagine took a gigantic pair of balls to harangue Canada’s sitting prime minister.

Another alumni of the show This hour has 22 Minutes is Rick Mercer. He is known for his dry and acerbic approach to comedy, as well as fast walking and talking rants that are hysterical, but sometimes make me sad (because they are true *sniff*). One of the most popular shows Rick Mercer ever did was series called Talking to Americans. It consisted of interviewing people on the street and convincing them to agree with ridiculous statements or asking them equally ridiculous questions about their northern neighbour. You can check out a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuyfmvnwoG8">YouTube version in true you tube quality. A long time ago I actually looked into buying a DVD of the shows, but had no luck. I would advise reading the Wikipedia entry before watching and I apologize right now for laughing at you. P.S. a Timbit is a donut hole. It is older, from 2001. This video is the first of 6 parts. The only thing I can quite equate to this kind of assault of mockery is Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who I also love. Here is a link to when Triumph was in Quebec, I love it. For anyone who speaks Spanish, there are subtitles!
If nothing else, this mildly incoherent post should make you giggle. If you watch the videos. Watch them!

Tis’ Friday, Charlotte has been home everyday, every hour, all week. I am a weak woman.
Yesterday, interviewed new psychologist #1, but was first LOST for 40 minutes. Cried, got my 55 minutes anyhow. Paid $160.
Interview number 2 today (while snotty, but probably no tears upon arrival). I know exactly where this woman is. Already tired though. Telling of the story, you know.
The whole family is still congested. Hay Fever? Inquiring snotty people want to know.
Are you guys reading the problogger board? Because I keep seeing jobs for you there.
My cleaning lady is coming today to clean the kitchen and bathrooms. I am a lazy motherfucker people.
The PVR is full of great new tv programming (snicker), I wish I could lie on the couch for three full days, while some pool boy (or girl) brings me food and insulin as required. I guess I would have to get up to poop though, right?
I can’t expect you to come over, but call me. I’m bored.
loves you
J

Guest poster, the blogless, yet fabulous, Heather MG
——->
I am blogless, but Jen says I can be her friend anyway. Inviting me to guest blog for her is her way of tempting me into the blogwaters. “Come on! All the cool kids are doing it! Try it once, you won’t get addicted!” So, here it goes.
I suck at Halloween. Really, I do. The best costume I ever had was a Raggedy Ann get up, circa 1974, that came with a tie-on plastic smock and flimsy plastic mask. I got it in kindergarten. Every year after that, when I complained about not having a Halloween costume, my mom would say, “What about that Raggedy Ann thing?” This went on until high school.
Left to my own devices for Halloween gear, I usually came up with costumes about an hour before trick-or-treating time. Yes, I was usually the kid tripping over the flowered sheet ghost costume.
Now, with my own child coming of trick-or-treating age, I’ve vowed not to let her suffer the same fate. My two-year-old sack of sweetness told me two weeks ago that she wants to be a kitty cat. The hunt was on for the perfect kitty cat costume.
Let me preface this by saying that I don’t think little girls have to be swathed in pink and sequins in order to be considered feminine. So imagine my surprise when a simple internet search came up with this:

What the fuck is that, exactly? It looks like something my cat threw up.
The nightmare doesn’t end. Oh no. In fact, it gets worse.

The only cat-like part of that costume is the ears. Even that’s debatable. Maybe I would buy this costume if I wanted my child to go as a ….. no, I can’t think of why anyone would buy this.
I figured I was barking up the wrong tree. I just needed to hit the store and see what was on the shelves. That’s when I got distracted by far more frightening costume options. I present to you, the War Whore:

In case you can’t read the description, it says “Included hot sequined fabric pants, top with attached shrug and hat”
At the risk of repeating myself: What the fuck? I think I said that out loud in the costume aisle, as a matter of fact. “What the FUCK?”
The same store had NO cat costumes. Not even horrendous slutty ones. Not even cat ears. What does the retail world have against decent costumes, exactly?
I have not given up. My little girl wants to be a cat. She’s even specific now: a brown kitty cat. I refuse to Google that, for fear of what might turn up. That can only mean one thing: I will have to sew. God help us.
——-> snip
HeatherMG is my pen pal and a lovely person. She also stays up late and night and talks to me. I wish she didn’t live like a million miles away.
jenB

Charlotte is sick, so is Mark and I think my snot is just due to allergies. So, my suggestion is to go read my friend and much better writer http://www.notestoself.us/2007/10/ring-of-fire.html. She is also really pretty, but that is apropos of nothing, just a tidbit. She is talking about marriage and babies and keeping your shit together.
I am getting cabin fever and as soon as Charlotte sees me on the computer she needs to use it for Noggin or some shit. I want eggs benedict. And another couple of hours of sleep. Being a mom with one is hard, all of you who have more are amazing to be, baffling. I do not have the balls required.
Mark is supposed to go to D&D tonight and avoid getting killed by an elf, but we will see about that. Someone come over. I guess who wants to get over and get snotted on……?
xo
jenB