my psyche needs a little gentleness right now. so, here are some flickr pics instead of a post.
Charlotte turns four.

more

xo

I hope you are all prepared for tomorrow. I hope you have your brownies, potato chips, flannel pajamas, and a marathon of some bad reality show on television. I am so *excited*! Tomorrow is supposedly The Most Depressing Day of the Year. It is easy to see why people in certain places can succumb to feeling like shit this time of year. Especially those poor saps, YES ME, who live in a cold climate and aren’t even thinking about spring until late April. Between the weather and the fucking TV writers strike, I can’t believe I can still function to even type this. It is also easy to remain positive. Yes, I have three huge zits right now, but I know it is just PMS. YES, it is cold right now, but I am going to San Francisco in February. There isn’t much on TV, but at least I have What Not to Wear and The Biggest Loser to keep me warm at night.
What are you doing to keep your shit together on this sad day of days? Should we all get drunk and go to the tattoo parlour?

Dear Mr. Wolf,
I have been watching Law&Order and all it’s spin offs for so long, I feel I can call you Dick. So, Dick. I like the new changes to Law&Order Classic. I love me some Law&Order just as much as the next person, or perhaps more. I am not sad to see Fred Thompson go, more so now that I hear him sleep his way through speeches. zzzzz. I like that we can still appreciate Sam Waterston as bulldog with a heart, Jack McCoy. I like the addition of Jeremy Sisto as “the other detective”, he is a foil for “the other other detective” and he is moody and hot, mostly I like the hotness.
I like how girl ADA seems to be softer in her look and have more of a character. My issue is with man ADA, when he first appears on the show he is holding a baseball bat. The bat is his way of “thinking things out”, right? It is probably also an extension of his penis, all men have something (car, boat, Italian suits, Play Stations). But I cannot be the only one who remembers Tom Cruise’s character in A Few Good Men who also used a bat to work through his case and try not to take off Demi Moore’s head. I am hoping this was just a prop test. Last night he was just holding a base BALL, perhaps a metaphor for well, holding one of his testicles. Better move there Dick. I am thinking, because the one person in Hollywood you want to stay away from reminding us of right now is Tom Cruise. That dude is some crazy.
Sincerely,
Jen

This is what I should be following right now, click HERE for a larger image.

Here is the 7 day plan, the plan FOREVER after….

LARGER, readable version here.
Also, The 10 Golden Rules for eating FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, are here.
I thought some of you might find this interesting.
I am overwhelmed by your support and kindness. Seriously. I have cried my eyes out a few times over some comments. What the HELL would I do without you guys?
More soon.
xo

I think I can I think I can. In true Jen fashion, the fear that I will not be able to lose the weight looms in my head. Maybe I will eat chocolate or ice cream all the time. That would probably fuck things up? Right? Those things are much easier to get down then a piece of halibut that I have chewed 40 times. Or the cheese I hate too big a piece of, causing me to hurl. I am so scared I will fuck this up where so many have succeeded. Typical thinking. I have to change the self talk. More I think I can I think I can. or I know I can I know I can. Follow through isn’t my best personality characteristic. I finished my BA degree, I made a baby, I have been married 10 years, but I am not a model for self control. I don’t make resolutions. I stole one from someone (helenjane?) where I resolve to be better this year. I think I can manage that in one way or another. I M getting help via a psychologist and psychiatrist, but maybe all the dugs, counselling, family support and barfing in the world can’t get me down to a reasonable weight. Yes, I realize I am setting myself for failure, at least a bit. A wonderful thing about me, about this, that I treasure, is that I have you guys. Don’t be too nice, I need a kick in the ass on occasion.
Losing weight is kind of scary. Sometimes I see it in the mirror, or on my body, but other times I cannot see it at all. Despite the sale. Maybe I am not losing fast enough? I am down to about 5 units of insulin instead of 30 per meal. Which is amazing. My endocrinologist will shit. No more blood pressure medication. I really have to eat enough so that I can exercise and not become blobby skin on my big frame. I should, I could, I need to!
Well, my battery is crapping out.
Check out MamaPop tomorrow for a post! By me, I mean.

I have decided to weigh myself only once a month even though I want to do it everyday. Everyday weighing would be the road to eating disorder-ville. Thus, my weight loss meter is the fat melt. Where are my clothes loose or falling off.
Example: Since I have been overweight, one thing has remained constant. No ass. When I lose weight, it is in my ass. Currently, my gut holds up my pants and they fall down in the back. I am like some housewife gangsta’. In yoga pants. Or too large jeans, without the boxer shorts showing my flat ass.
One roll of back fat seems to be gone, or nearly gone.
One chin is dwindling.
Boobage is shrinking a bit.
Most of the weight loss seems to be happening between my belly button and my neck. I really can’t tell unless I measure myself all the damned time. Which I also won’t do. I have some measurements to compare to, but I don’t want to do it right away. See: obsessive tendencies.
I am managing to eat more actual food. All meat that I eat has to be moist and well chewed, or the consequences are painful and um, re-viewable. Imagine swallowing a chicken wing sideways. Yeah. I have been enjoying non-fat decaf lattes with those flavoured syrups at Starbucks. Feels so wrong, but baby, its ok. There is milk in there! My biggest challenge is getting enough protein. The Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) people are all protein shakes protein shakes! YAY PROTEIN SHAKES! There is a taste of protein powder, I cannot explain it, but it is weird. Regardless, I have to suck it up and have tried a few. I have had several recommendations, but feel free to add yours, keeping in mind that sugar/carbs, should be at a minimum. No mixing with juice or anything. Why can’t diet ginger ale be a protein drink? why?
I am still trying to find a specialist here to follow me for the next year/rest of my life. The dudes who do WLS here don’t want me since I went to a private clinic. My Primary Physician is helping me. Things seem to be normal from what I know, from the excruciating gas to the constipation to the obvious, weight loss.
/ fat melt
Charlotte has RAMPANT pink eye. I am looking in the mirror every 2 seconds to make sure I don’t. A $26 bottle of eye drops seem to be kicking it in the ass, pronto. Poor lamb, looks horrible. What, with the pink eye and the haircut my mom recently gave her. I need to get “the bangs are too short” tattooed on a fucking pillow. Since I was child. Bangs are too short, mom, my bangs ARE TOO SHORT.
I had to stay home with Charlotte all day today because of her plaque and forgot how difficult one kid all day when you do not feel 100% can be. All you moms out there kick my ass. I am such a wimp.
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am i using this new flash right?

Mark is all “post post post” no one will read you anymore if you are absent too long. Of course, he can eat proper food, doesn’t have gas pains and doesn’t want to sleep about 18 hours a day. He is a selfish bastard. Which is really unfair actually. He has been my nurse maid, single parent, sympathy giver, fabulous gift buyer and lots of other bitchin’ things. I just took a Gas-X so I can stop rocking back and forth with the pain of trapped wind. I over share, but I love.
I have lost about 30 pounds, 13 of which were on the fast before the surgery. And to whomever told me it was “water weight”, I will kick you when I can. It is lack of calories, no mystery. Trying to get enough protein, and “meals”, while I cannot drink a half and hour before I eat or an hour afterwards. I mostly drink in the mornings and the evenings. I am also supposed to sip everything as if it was “hot tea”, which is remarkably difficult for me. Also, the protein shakes, while not a disgusting as the Optifast still has a “taste” I don’t like. Any recommendations in this department are welcome. There is a week to week diet and soon I should be able to eat more regular foods, just chewed very well. It is getting easier.
There were some issues with my post-op care. Some french-english problems and I also felt like I was being treated like a crazy bipolar NUT JOB when I woke up from the anesthetic all scared and confused and in pain. They didn’t seem to know much about my meds, when to take them and how to monitor my blood sugars. I wasn’t really capable of doing it myself until late the next day. I will let them know at the Clinic once everyone is back in the office. Overall I was pleased and did I mention the big lusty strong nurse? I may have. Also, they didn’t give me any after care instructions for pain management. I called the clinic and asked about it, they suggested Tylenol. Not Tylenol 3s to take home, nuttin’.
Mark bought me these earring for my birthday to match a necklace i have, by Frank Gehry.

For Christmas I got a pair of Tanzanite earrings, which I love. They are a pretty sort of purply blue.
Mark has good taste, and jewelry always fits right?
I also got a speedlight from my parents, on recommendation by the fabulous Jon Armstrong. I am learning, but so far, EXCITED!
I am spoiled every December since it is my birthday and Christmas. It always seems like too much.
I guess the surgery was also sort of a Christmas gift, the gift that will keep on giving. If you can stomach looking at my stomach, here are a couple of photos.
p.s I am still really loving you guys.