Check out the give away for some awesome earphones on my “tonic” page, where I keep reviews and giveaways! woo! Comment! Win!

Lord I wish I was I was any of those things, except the angry, I think I have mastered that more often than not. I have been thinking about being angry at my spouse regarding taking care of the child, feeling tethered to her and resentment of that, since reading Catherine’s posts First post and second post (read them!). Some of you were at MomSummit2.0 and I am jealous because I seem to find out about these things late and then I am not sure I can or should go and Catherine will be there speaking and I would love to hear her. Frankly, I would love to have coffee with her at least once a week.
I wanted to talk about my own very infrequent anger at my husband in the whole parenting realm. I am a stay at home mom, but my child is in care most of the day, I also “work” a little from home, on the interwebs and I guess cooking or cleaning once in a while. But I have a really easy time of it. I am embarrassed to describe the ease of my life. I do not half to work. I originally proposed coming back half time to my old job, as my replacement was interesting in job sharing, but the mostly MALE patriarchal type place i worked i said nay. So quit I did. I admit to being relieved. I didn’t suffer from post-postpartum depression. I already suffered my depression and anxiety since I was very young. When Charlotte was about 7 months I realized the face of my mental health had changed. I was experiencing deeper depressions, and then having bouts of NOT SLEEPING AND STAYING UP LATE even thought my baby slept through the night at about 4 months old (see, EASY life). I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, unlike regular bipolar I did not have mania, but hypomania. The hypomania mostly felt good, the depression was deeper and did not feel good. The anxiety has morphed into a more generalized type, rather than a panicky type and I needed new meds. It took me months to even agree with my doctor that bipolar was a diagnosis for me. I was already diabetic, depressed, anxious, recovering from an eating disorder, a little OCD and felt like a long list of fuck-upedness. It seemed like another thing wrong with me and it sounded so dire. So label-y.
After working through the new crazy profile that had changed since before baby, it was unrealistic and I hate saying, probably impossible for me to keep a full-time job with my newly diagnosed extra crazy with pickles and onions. I was also permanently on insulin and my physical health has deteriorated since carrying a baby despite having a picture perfect diabetic pregnancy.
Ok, so that is rambly and my point(s) is that even though my husband works full-time and I am a gigantic crazy slacker with laundry in the basket to either put away or wash AT ALL TIMES, I rarely cook dinner. I never check the cat’s litter box or take the garbage to the alley, despite all that, my husband spends more time with Charlotte than I do. When I am wilting away like the delicate flower I am, he takes her out. They spent most weekend days together, leaving me at home to sleep and slack and perhaps do a load of laundry. He puts her to bed every night, except Wednesdays when he goes to play D&D with friends. If I am all angsty and in bed or sad or bloated, he cancels game night in a minute. If he goes out to play poker, he puts Charlotte to bed first. He bathes her most times. He is indulgent in my spending habits, he lets me lie down if I have the vapours or am cold. If I ever feel angry and or act on it, it is usually irrational, crazy talk. He is Father of the year, nay Century.
There are only a few things I do consistently. I buy the groceries (must always have diet Pepsi a hand), I do all the laundry, mostly because I like it done a CERTAIN way, I do almost all of the Christmas shopping, remember the occasional birthday, and tell him which hotel I want when we are planning a holiday. I also take care of taking ost of the photographs and processing them. He even archives them Writing this post is actually making me sound and feel embarrassed and shocked how I can get more of my shit together to do more for my family. I could do a lot more. He could be a single dad, but he and the child would perhaps survive on Happy Meals, scrambled eggs, and peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Perhaps Mark could set up an alarm on his Blackberry to make them take their vitamins.
I feel sort of peripheral to the family, to my friends, both in the city friends and lovely out of the city met through blog friends. I am still lonely and I know how I can fix it. I guess my main goal with this post was to admit to how good I have it, how guilty I feel about having it so good, about how amazing my husband it and how mostly I resent myself. Having Charlotte is amazing and it did bring Mark and I closer. I am constantly amazed at his patience and fabulousness at being a dad. Gosh, did any of this make sense? I composed most of it LATE at night a few days ago and now I read it again and it seems disjointed and too talky.
Anyhow, Mark, you are the awesome.

In bed with the MacBook Air. Thinkin’. OK, also doing some online browsing at muji.com, Which Isabel of the fabulous AlphaMom took me too last time I was in New York City and the only online way to get their stuff is from the UK which makes it so pricey it defeats the purchase of buying reasonable doo dads. Anyone in NYC want to go shopping for me and send it? I am not sure when my travels with take me back to NY. It is hard for me to go there without spending a shit ton on awesome stuff. I have said it before, I love America and your fabulous availability of consumer goods.
Drinking a diet ginger ale. Wanting Apple Jacks because LeahPeah was talking about them on twitter. Cheerios just aren’t the same. Plus my carbohydrate intake really should be limited to WASA toasts and broccoli. I need to see a DON’T EAT CARBS hypnotist.
I did buy a couple of things from LandsEnd today. A plaid rain coat and a a butterfly dress for Char with matching leggings. Plaid! Butterflies!
We also bought Charlotte an Ariel Little Mermaid Doll at the Disney Store today and I think I saw pigs fly and the horses of the apocalypse run by us. Princesses. PRINCESSES! *shakes fist at sky*

kind people
Some photos up on flickr. Just barely getting to the POS photos.

Tomorrow we are going to the allergist to see if they know what or why Charlotte keeps getting chronic hives. I will preemptively say that they do not know and she will grow out of it. We will see.

I am Canadian, so I don’t remember all of y’all’s holidays. Here, in Edmonton, where I live, we have a holiday tomorrow too. It is a provincial holiday so not all of my fellow Canadians will be taking decongestants and blowing their nose on their day off. Aha! Lets face it, every day is a holiday for me, no one is the boss of me. But I digress.
On of my lovely public relation friends, Katie, who has provided me with giveaways and sale noticifations told me that on Lands’ End 20 percent off promotion this Sunday and Monday. For two days only, Lands’ End will offer 20 percent off all merchandise (excluding overstocks, shipping and services). Since I slacked on Sunday proper, perhaps you can take advantage Monday (I will likely pick up a few summer things). Since I am back from Florida and it is COLD here again. I mean, when we were in Florida, it was unseasonably cold there and unseasonably warm here. Ahem. One of the ways I have survived this winter, which has been cruel, is this jacket. In the spirit of “I loved it so much I bought the company”, I bought one in the parka length for my BioMom who walks her dog everyday out here in the cold arctic tundra, even though she lives south of me, its windy there. Same colour even!

Here I am wearing it last month, and I foresee wearing it for a good ‘nother month or so.
So, if you live somewhere cold, I really liked this jacket, I wanted something WARM, but more funky than a ski jacket. I did once wear it with pajamas pants to pick Charlotte up at school, but that was an aberration!!

LandsEnd.com promo
Promo code is AMERICA
Pin number is 6289
(Starts 12:01 am Sunday, Feb 15th – Ends 11:59 pm Monday, Feb 16th)
Stay warm and snot free.

Grace in Small Things

my humidifier
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I am going to see a new dietitian tomorrow. I haven’t posted about it, but my Doctor isn’t happy with my weight loss (nor am I), I am not where I should be. My blood sugars are a little high and I am not being vigilant with taking care of the whole Diabetic thing. Silly as it sounds, even after 10 years of being diagnosed I think I am in denial. Without telling you all the things I should or shouldn’t do, I will just say, I am not on an optimal diabetic regime right now. I am too tired of saying it and too tired tonight and have a vampire book waiting, or I would wax on about being thunderously stupid.
So, my mantra for food shall be the old favourite, low fat, low carbohydrate,higher protein (LEAN), low sodium, sugarless, no alcohol. I wonder if people who eat in such a manner are more likely to amass tons of porn to compensate for their virtuosity? I wish smoking wasn’t bad for you.

currently snoring

Yes, I am going to complain about being on vacation in Florida. We are in St. Pete’s near Tampa. It was cold, like in the 50’s (for you Americans I am using Fahrenheit), for the Canadians it got near zero over night a couple of night ago. Yes we are thankful to be on holiday, not at home, not at work. There isn’t even any snow. There is a Target which has proved pricey since we don’t have one in in Edmonton or Canada. We are right on the beach, it is very pretty here. I did get a kick out of all the resorts covering up plants with sheets when they would be hardy enough to make it to freezing. I guess better safe than sorry.
The problem is my child. The travel day was horrible. For me more than Mark or Charlotte. But the plane ride loses it luster fast and the laptop battery didn’t last quite as quickly as we had hoped the the power cord was packed. Then more than 2 hours in Denver and almost 3 hours to Tampa. She wanted to go home, she wouldn’t eat anything, no plane napping, she wanted to see Grandma. Almost 8 hours of travel and Mark was a trooper. Of course I planned where we went and perhaps I should have been more careful about a shorter travel plan to a beach destined holiday. I take responsibility for the length of the journey, but I did not like my child for a lot of that time. Mark seriously did most of the wrangling of the kid and I was tense and irritable.
So, here we are and she sleeps in her own bed, in our shared sleeping DOUBLE beds. Two large people in a double bed is not a good thing. Out first room was also icky and Marl killed a cockroach and we were traumatized and my germaphobic Howard Hughes urges tendencies were in overdrive. This is a “four star” report according to AAA. Our new room is better, but I just has higher expectations because I am a pampered bitch.
We went to the zoo with Charlotte which can be loud or DARK or growly, or zoo-ish. There was a nice boat ride which was the highlight but lots of CARRY ME and some crying and “i don’t want ice-cream”. WTF? Today it as warm enough to go to the beach. The ocean was cold, we only dipped into our ankles. It was nice, Charlotte found a friend to play with for a little while. Then we wanted to try the 70F pool, which was awesome, which Char wouldn’t even DIP HER FOOT IN. Screaming, gnashing of teeth CARRY ME.
We are going to a “sit down” restaurant with Char tonight. It should be ok, she is getting better at that. At she didn’t barf her guts out after going to IHOP on our first day. WHAT? We don’t have them in Canada, and it’s “international”. I just wanted pancakes, is that so wrong? Kneeling down in our cockroach hotel room was a low light so far.
Ok, starving. Ungrateful.
Love from FLA

Gone to Florida. Clearwater. Home of the Church of Scientology. Hoping to reach Theton Level I. I will try like a mofo to update.
xo