February 21, 2010

Sometimes sparkly just looks that way

Filed under: austism, family, my mental health, sad — jennifer @ 10:57 pm

My memory of her will never be the same. Were some days this difficult before?  Two months ago?  Last year?
Refusing to eat two of the foods on her repertoire, claiming they made her loose tooth hurt or her tummy hurt or mouth burn before a bite was taken?  I know she was hungry.  Two hours later dinner was 2 crackers, yes I know I know, better than nothing.  The mimicking of what I say, cute before, but a symptom now?  I feel so weak for wanting to hide in my room, like a child.

I feel badly that I am relieved school is back in tomorrow and then with dread remember the play group. The play group pilot program the school has us in for two more Mondays, she gets anxious before going, she knows we go on Monday nights, we eat pizza, we drive far away.   She is unpredictable when we are there. I get anxious and agitated. Tomorrow I have to go alone, Mark is out of town.  I have to drive in an unfamiliar part of the city. In the dark. Again I feel weak.  This is the teeniest of teeny of beginnings and I am already doubting my ability to persist and fight and wait.  Wait.  I am thankful I have a strong husband and embarrassed that I am forever the wobbly kneed foal.

I want to eat. Smoke. Drink and get drunk. Pretend. And I know. I really know that the challenges I we have are less than many others.  People say its gets better.  Everyone really does say that.

Tonight she got in bed with about 10 barbies, her Nintendo DS, I didn’t make her brush her teeth or ask to read her a book. I shut the door and am hiding in my room.

TODAY, we did make these:

sparkly on the outside

sparkly on the outside

p.s. Yes, I did get my passport, no I didn’t go to Mom2.0.  More sad.  Flight cancellation, coincided with ongoing respiratory infection, more antibiotics, blah blah.  I will survive. More.

February 15, 2010

Time does keep moving on

Filed under: austism, bloggy people, me and my blog, mom2.0, travel — jennifer @ 6:23 pm

The last post encouraged  me to keep up with the old OLD blog.  I was re-energized by your energy and it reminded me why I write.  It feels good.  It clarifies my thoughts.  I may sometimes tell you things of little consequence, like I am currently composing this while my spaghetti sauce simmers.  Not even a fancy sauce.  It is a sauce that Charlotte will probably not eat.  While I know that, I know she is picky I didn’t realize that it does put a damper on cooking dinner.  And, I don’t cook all that much to begin with.  My depression and anxiety often make me “sun down” late in the afternoon and I feel tired or apathetic and we have take out, or frozen dinner or sandwiches.  Ahh, the things you figure out about yourself just from smelling sauce from downstairs.

So hey, I am going to Mom 2.0.  Probably.  My passport expired and I paid for expedited service, but they will not guarantee anything. “Probably”, “most likely”, but no guarantee.  Need I make a bitter comment about public service employees?  I worked at the University for 11 years and probably had to do and say similar things, but still.  I HAVE PAID FOR EVERYTHING.  Let me tell you, it costs a piss-load to fly from here to Houston.  Cheaper to go to London, England, Greece, almost China.  I decided to go because all of a sudden it felt like I should.  Intuition, Jedi mind wisdom, I have no idea?  The speaker list is kick ass, I know many of them, and some of the panels really “spoke” to me.  Ha.  It will be great to meet new people too, and the conference seems small enough that I don’t feel all anxious sauce.  I am of course, worried that no one will like me, my only in my subconscious.  I have already been promised hugs and any hand holding I may require.  Also, I won’t have to phone anyone or talk to any teachers,  clinics, Speech Pathologists, private swim teachers and hopefully the “my kid is Autistic WTF WTF?!” voice in my head will be a bit quieter.  I think it is ok.

In thinking about where my blog is going, I have come up with some ideas other than just me me me, or having my blog nothing but Autism.  I would like to add some more video and audio, probably in the name of humour.  No one wants to see my cry on Vimeo. I have a little idea involving Twitter and a bit that Conan O’Brien used to do, but I will have to refine that idea.  Essentially it involves mocking tweets, all in good fun.  I also want to talk about fashion, design and style, in the home and on the body.  In “real” life I am a clothes horse and love shoes and I want to express that – maybe once in a while?  I will talk more about gardening when the season is appropriate, because I love to grow me some stuff! Oh!  and photos.  I need to learn more with the camera I have, because I enjoy taking photos too!  And books!

I will be doing reviews and giveaways as I feel they are appropriate, hoping to Blog with Integrity.  I also have a friend who will be helping me with reviews and giveaways which I think will be super fun!  You will meet Kelly soon.  OH!  And I will be working on making the blog aesthetically beautiful.  I feel more like being here when it is pretty.  I am getting help.  :-)

So, god willing and the creek don’t rise (and I get my passport tomomrrow at 10 AM!!!), I will be in Houston on Wednesday at the hotel around 7 or 8 pm?  If you want to know my “real” last name, email me and you can call me or I can call you or we can hook up or watch movies alone while ordering room service.   I am on twitter at @thejennui (no longer protected) and email is jennifer@jennnui.com

With all sincerity and affection I want to thank you, this community, you lovely lovely people, for continuing to be so kick ass and kind and giving, and nice and smart and amazing.

Me at forty

Me at forty

February 5, 2010

Here, but not HERE

Filed under: austism, family — jennifer @ 11:46 am

Thank you as always for paragraphs are for pussies to Mrs. Kennedy

A little over two weeks ago, Charlotte, who just turned six, was diagnosed with Autism (DSM-IV 299.00).  I thought MAYBE they might say she exhibits some behaviours consistent with Aspergers, but this was more expansive than I thought.  Surprising.  She has more difficulty with language than a a child with Aspergers, so she got bumped up.

“…qualitative impairment in social interaction, communication and restricted repetitive and stereotyped patters of behaviour, interests, or activities.  Charlotte has significant difficulties using nonverbal behaviours, such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, and body posture to regulate social interaction, developing age-appropriate peer relationships, spontaneously seeks to share enjoyment and interests or achievements with others, and she demonstrates a lack or emotional reciprocity.  Her difficulties initiating and staining a conversation as well as her preoccupation with certain objects and nonfunctional routines, including pick eating, wanting certain pajamas, and difficulties with transitions (i.e. leaving parents to go into classroom), support this diagnosis.”

  • In October there was a dust up in my world of online friends and community.  My friends were hurt and I didn’t respond well, pissing off and hurting more people.  Did not feel like blogging.
  • Sewage, read POO in the basement.  Twice.  I cleaned it and now have post traumatic stress disorder.
  • More plumbing woes in the form of not enough hot water.  I need the hot water.  Where I live is COLD.
  • New meds! Weeee.  Wooooah.
  • The stress of a long time knee injury which occurred at 13 years of age has left me with osteoarthritis and an inability to do any weight bearing exercise with my left knee.  My choices are swimming, aquasize, aquafit, aquajob, aquadance, aquayoga, aqua-pretend-treadmill?
  • s-l-o-w-l-y sliding into the back a stupid Lexus SUVon an icy road, smushing my Camry grill for the low cost of $1300
  • December was a clusterf*ck of getting ready for Christmas before the 18th, when we went to visit my inlaws (which was ok, they are conservative politically and religiously, so um, there is that). Everything that could be was wrapped and baked, including me.
  • We got back late on the 23rd, my BioMom™  was here.  Christmas eve at my mom’s, Christmas day here, save be Jesus.
  • My 40th Birthday, December 31st.
  • We left for a poker tournament on January 3rd in the Bahamas.  I am not complaining, but it was a hella’ travel time from the west and it was cold and it was sort of spoiled by a spoiled and anxious me.
  • All this time, these months, Charlotte had been in the process of being assessed by the school – Speech Pathologist, Occupational Therapist, Educational Psychologist and her teacher, OH! and us, we filled out lots of forms and questionnaires and talking and observing.

I think that is all I can muster right now.  I have a respiratory infection and am bagged.  I will bring my laptop to bed, instead of using SO MUCH energy typing at my desktop.    Yes, I am way feeling sorry for myself.  Sorry.

Happy 6th Birthday

Happy 6th Birthday

brand new

brand new

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