So humanity, motherhood, person hood, it is both glorious and horrific at different time and i am sure we all want it to be more awesome at all times! Thus is not so. I feel better after my “episode” a few weeks ago. I even took the post down for a while because I was embarrassed, I felt like I was flogging myself and my readers like dead horses and jebus where ARE THE kittens and candy??
But, things are what they are. Sometimes glorious, simple glory. A good late night read, great bagel, baby head smell, flowers, oh flowers, and hugs and kisses. Even those wonderful things don’t heal and the persistence of a mental illness is annoying. Depression and anxiety and insecurity are annoying to the person suffering and their friends. OK, they are annoying to ME and my loved ones, my friends. I apologize. I want to be more, for me, for YOU, for my kid, even my cats get the brunt of four letter words for the last three weeks. Depressed people are not sad clowns, we are irritating as hell and unreliable and inconsistent and pains in the assssesses. So, there is that.
The snow is currently pretty much gone here, I have talked to a couple of landscapers, my garden dreams might just come true more than I thought possible before. Glorious. glory. I have less zits this week: awesome. I Furminated the cats last week: excellent. There were some hairballs and other disappointments that run deeper, but I am still here and trying not to swear as much. I am suddenly hyper away of my audience and advertisers and worried about my WANT to use the F word all over the place.
I am on day four of a new antidepressant. Lexapro for anyone keeping score, in addition to Lamictal and my diabetes paraphernalia. I tried to count all the different meds I have been on since I was 17, I am 39 now and I get roughly 13 different types of psychotropic drugs. So say I am fucking sick of it would be a fucking understatement and this sad clown turns bitchy and no one wants to be around and I try and pretend and I can’t and here we are. Day four! A wee nauseous and unstable but alive. After 12 different kinds of magic pills I am ALWAYS optimistic, except for that whole Anaphylactic shock one. That was a bad one. I rarely even get dry mouth which is a classic side effect from antidepressants. We will give this chemical gift some time + sunshine and see where it takes me.
Have I mentioned (yes I have) that Mark and I are going to Vegas from Monday to Friday next week? I will have the laptop because crap on a cracker, neither of us could be away from a computer for that long. My biggest goals? To sit near the pool for a little while at least for one day, buy some VANS, and smooch with my little poopy, he is so tolerant of this sad clown.
2005! In front of NY NY.