My memory of her will never be the same. Were some days this difficult before? Two months ago? Last year?
Refusing to eat two of the foods on her repertoire, claiming they made her loose tooth hurt or her tummy hurt or mouth burn before a bite was taken? I know she was hungry. Two hours later dinner was 2 crackers, yes I know I know, better than nothing. The mimicking of what I say, cute before, but a symptom now? I feel so weak for wanting to hide in my room, like a child.
I feel badly that I am relieved school is back in tomorrow and then with dread remember the play group. The play group pilot program the school has us in for two more Mondays, she gets anxious before going, she knows we go on Monday nights, we eat pizza, we drive far away. She is unpredictable when we are there. I get anxious and agitated. Tomorrow I have to go alone, Mark is out of town. I have to drive in an unfamiliar part of the city. In the dark. Again I feel weak. This is the teeniest of teeny of beginnings and I am already doubting my ability to persist and fight and wait. Wait. I am thankful I have a strong husband and embarrassed that I am forever the wobbly kneed foal.
I want to eat. Smoke. Drink and get drunk. Pretend. And I know. I really know that the challenges I we have are less than many others. People say its gets better. Everyone really does say that.
Tonight she got in bed with about 10 barbies, her Nintendo DS, I didn’t make her brush her teeth or ask to read her a book. I shut the door and am hiding in my room.
TODAY, we did make these:
sparkly on the outside
p.s. Yes, I did get my passport, no I didn’t go to Mom2.0. More sad. Flight cancellation, coincided with ongoing respiratory infection, more antibiotics, blah blah. I will survive. More.
Jen, it sounds really hard. I’ve definitely crouched on the floor in my kid’s room when she’s losing it and basically put a pillow over my head and said la la la la. Your daughter is not her diagnosis. We all have brains and we do what our brains are constructed to do. Our brains vary. So if she did x, or y or z it would be who *she* was, *her* temperament. My kid is a radical scaredy-cat and so insecure in many ways. OK, it could be my parenting. But that’s her style. She can’t sleep alone, she clings to me like a little monkey. But that’s HER. I could get her diagnosed as an anxious kid but these quirks are her, not whatever her diagnosis is. I know I’m not in your shoes.
Those are cool things you made. Did you invent the Popsicle stick fancy wand idea? Kinda brilliant.
I hope you won’t stop being charmed by anything you used to be charmed by just because it now seems like some kind of symptom. It’s not. It’s your kid, being who she is. If she were a different kid, she’d be doing a different crazy thing.
There is no ‘right’ way for anyone to be, in my view. That’s just an illusion. I admit though, sometimes I wish I had a docile, kind of insensitive child instead of the argumentative oversensitive one I have who often drives me nuts. But it’s like–she is who she is. I am lucky to have her.
Does any of this make sense? I can’t say I understand. I just wish I could hug you and we could go on a bender that involved 8 bottles of cabernet and a carton of smokes. I hope you won’t be offended as a Canadian but can we smoke American Spirits?
Comment by ozma — February 21, 2010 @ 11:17 pm
You did a lot. The worrying, the waiting, the trying, the hard decision-making, the worrying…you are doing everything you should. The sparkly popsicle sticks are whipped cream and a cherry on top. I wish I was there to craft with you. Praying for you.
Comment by SAJ — February 22, 2010 @ 10:19 am
What Ozma said.
((hugs))
Comment by Tracy — February 22, 2010 @ 11:39 am
I cannot even begin to put into words how much I appreciate your honesty. I know it isn’t easy. None of it is easy.
I have and am experiencing the same things that you are. The fear and the underlying shame for being so fearful.
But what I keep running up against in my own support system (my doctor, partner, etc) is the fact that it TRULY IS all o.k.
What Ozma said about “we do what our brains are constructed to do” is EXACTLY what my doctor has been trying to lead me to see and he has said that my job
is to take my medications, accept and love myself, stop fighting what is of a biological origin.
I know, easier said than done. Especially when you are in the midst of feeling so awful.
I guess what I am trying to say in a rather long-winded and roundabout way is, I understand how you feel, you are not alone, just as SAJ said, you are doing everything you should. Getting crafty, working out in the yard, and I’ve even been known to color – putting your focus in that direction is always a good way to get that fear and anxiety to back the hell off.
You will be in my prayers.
Comment by Lynn (oddthomas1) — February 23, 2010 @ 12:42 am
Hugs, enjoy the things you always enjoyed that is her being who she is.
Comment by Bobbi Janay — February 23, 2010 @ 11:53 am
“And I know. I really know that the challenges I we have are less than many others. People say its gets better. Everyone really does say that.”
I have a hard time with the first part of this too….yes, the challenges that our girls have are most definitely less than many others. But it is your reality. It is my reality. And sometimes it really SUCKS!!! It’s hard NOT to get stuck in the “but my kid isn’t sickly or in the hospital…it could be so much worse” mentality. However, it’s ok to feel like it is the worst thing in the world. Because for you, right now, it is….
But like you said…everything gets better. And it does..it gets easier. And our girls march to the beat of a different drum…and that’s ok.
Comment by Ness — February 26, 2010 @ 5:24 pm
Hey, it was great to meet you at the conference this weekend. I haven’t read much of your blog yet, but I like what I have read. Keep in touch.
Charlene
Comment by Charlene — March 7, 2010 @ 10:42 am
Many thanks!
Comment by mafknichraria — March 18, 2010 @ 4:50 pm