This is a slightly modified version of an email I sent to my psychiatrist earlier this evening. Yes, I have “real life” things going on – Mark left his job in mid December, Charlotte is back at her community school for one difficult week, after her 4 and a half months at the Rehabilitation school for well, rehabilitation and assessment. Her official discharge and diagnosis is Next Friday, also her birthday. We know they are going to tell us she has an Anxiety Disorder and exhibits many features of Autism, but they are unwilling to put her on the spectrum. I believe they are wrong on the Autism diagnosis, but that is another post.
I am currently having withdrawal from my psychiatric medication. The first time I have been on nothing in about eight years. I weaned off Lamictal (for mood stabilization) and I am just off Pristiq. I will be starting Parnate, a drug that requires a washout period, so for now, I am drugless, unless you count beer. And fuck Mark is having to give Charlotte a time out for a tantrum during teeth brushing. The “good news” is that the government has decided to give us support for Charlotte in the form of an Occupational Therapist, a Speech and Language Pathologist, a behavioural aide, a psychologist and she is seeing a psychiatrist. I never thought an Autism diagnosis could be so subjective. It makes things a lot more difficult. Sorry, another post.
Tonight, I despair and I am unpleasant and feel shitty and this is what I emailed by psychiatrist.
From: Jennui <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 23 January, 2011 5:51:33 PM MST
To: “Dr. Brian
I have a Barium swallow test tomorrow AM, no I am not starting the Parnate until tomorrow AM. Do you want to move our appointment for Thursday?
Also. In reading the information about tyramine restricted diet. (more food restriction information HERE) There are some foods I dont remember that surprised me. Yogurt, sour cream, aLL cheese, including processed, raspberries, pea pods, no antihistamines, commercial soup and broth, warnings about codeine. I’m getting a little freaked out. Partially because of the food restrictions and partially because holy shit is this really our last resort? What if this doesn’t work? And I have to be super vigilant about checking my blood sugars. Am I setting myself up to fail?
This withdrawal is horrible. And the Parnate may not take effect for 2-5 weeks? I have told Mark to eff off and I can barely tolerate Charlotte. I feel incredibly hopeless. Angry. Frustrated. Broken. My body and my brain are pieces if shit. My workout this week really aggravated my knee. I need to do more cardio based exercise, my only option in swimming. I feel fat and look bloated and disgusting. I hate eveything about myself. I can’t to anything properly. I don’t or can’t seem to take care of my diabetes or weight. I’m probably going to die of cancer. Since my bio mom and her other two sisters had cancer and my maternal grandmother died of heart disease.
I can’t even remember or get my shit together to register Charlotte in swim lessons. I keep “forgetting”. Not to mention getting myself into a swim program I haven’t even checked my blood sugars ONCE since going on new meds and having that appointment with Dr Raff that “scared the shit out of me”.
Seriously. I have mentioned this before … what you do for me is great. Best! Psychiatrist ever. But I still wonder about some other Counselling or life coaching. I’m 41 and I cannot see into the future. I cannot see me doing anything. Sticking to anything. I can’t bear to look in the mirror. It is hard to see anything but longing to lie in bed, stay up late watching tv, repeat.
I can’t work or even maintain a blog anymore. I’m useless. Sickly, stupid body and malfunctioning brain waiting to die. All I have been doing for almost 8 years is wasting space. I’m a pathetic excuse for a wife it mother. I feel very little hope that things can change for me. Drugs and talking to you isn’t enough. Would anything be enough or is this just it? Waiting to die. I hate almost everything about who I am and don’t feel I have the skills or discipline to make any meaningful change to live a vaguely fulfilling life – for me or my husband or child. I lost rose coloured glasses a long time ago. Will I reach anything more than “getting by”?
* * * * *
I am dreading the Barium swallow test tomorrow. The doctors are trying to figure out why I am anemic, acid reflux, excessively low level of Vitamin D, and I don’t know what else. I have had one before. They are yucky.
I feel I should sort of apologize for the gloom of this post. I know, after all these years, if you have been reading me since 2002, that I should be getting better. I SHOULD be getting better! Alas, here I am, stuck in the mud. Stuck in despair. Dr. Brian tells me, this is partially the withdrawal talking, and I agree, but I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.